From an earlier post and a favorite essay of mine from This I Believe: 'Friends, I would like to be more cheerful, but right now I am too terrified to be cheerful. So I will let you know when I am not terrified anymore.'
Maybe I AM depressed, maybe it's anxiety, it's probably both plus stress. All I know is that my daughter had a talk with me tonight. She is upset because she feels I've been edgy lately, and unhappy, and too hard on her. I am so grateful that she trusts me enough to talk to me about this. And she's right. And I am taking immediate (but painfully slow!) steps to remedy this muddled mess I find myself in. And I am terrified. It feels good just admitting it.
Meanwhile, I feel like I've disappointed the most important person in my life, and all I want to do right now is have a good cry...but I'm afraid she'll hear me. So I'm writing, hoping to work through it this way.
Why do I feel like I have to keep it together all the time? I can't do it all, I'm not perfect, and some real changes need to take place so that I can take better care of my emotional health. And I have to try to overcome the tendency to feel guilty, as I make hard decisions about things like money and time. But there it is. It just has to happen.
This really, really sucks. I had heard it sucks, hitting menopause and dealing with the emotional roller coaster. I mean, the hormone stuff has always been rough, so I figured how much worse could it get?! Ha, careful what you get smug about. There are days I feel like I'm barely ahead of completely falling apart. But I can't. Or at least, I can't at home. So I am going to do the next best thing, and find somewhere safe to fall apart. Hopefully it will help me to pull things back together.
Now I'm afraid I won't be able to sleep. The chatter gets worse when I turn out the light and try to sleep. And then my neighbor's poor dog starts crying, pitifully, for lack of attention and from the cold, and of course I feel horrible for her, and I feel angry at him. And then I'll wake up tomorrow exhausted and so weighed down I just want to stay under my covers and hide. But I won't. And I'll try to get through the day without revealing just how terrified I am. It doesn't always work well, since being terrified is not something I'm used to feeling and it manifests itself in other ways, usually impatience with people and situations around me. And then I'm ashamed.
Tomorrow night we are supposed to decorate for Christmas, and I hope by then I am past this current state of emotions, because my heart is just not up for it. I've got some work to do, and I will need help with that work. I've just taken a big step tonight, admitting I'm terrified, and I have Rebecca to thank for it. Wish me luck.