Thursday, December 4, 2008

I am not depressed...

...really, I'm not. I still am truly moved by the things I love (nature, music, a good book, good friends, my home, my cats, my daughter, and so much more.) But more and more, I feel overwhelmed by life. I think a lot of this is financial, and I'm working that out (I'm not one to wallow) because I do have options that will make things easier. But it's more. I feel overwhelmed by the things that are bigger than me. I know it is not up to me to fix things (war, hunger, homelessness, homeless pets, poverty, my neighbor's neglected dog, on and on the list goes), but I am in touch with myself enough to know that these things bother me. I'm also overwhelmed with the task of single parenting, and worrying constantly that I am doing the right thing, keeping her on the right track, giving her enough of my time. It would be lovely to have help, and yet when I was married parenting was almost harder than it is now. And it's all the other stuff too: doing my best to take care of my health (cholesterol, weight, exercise), trying to manage my money in order to plan for retirement, wanting to take good care of my home and create a place that we find solitude in, but not getting too attached at the same time, caring about how I look and what I wear, but not getting too caught up in the ego, questioning whether or not I am 'good enough' to date someone who is 'out of my league'...this stuff seems to swirl around in my head daily.

I don't consider myself a negative person; but I am an impatient person, one who is annoyed easily by egotisical, or inconsiderate, or overbearing, or intrusive people. The truth of the matter is, I don't love everyone around me. I care about them and I care about what happens to them. But I think the emotion of love is tossed about too loosely. Love is a deep emotion, and it is developed over time and must be nurtured. I am a giving person, friendly, and make friends easily. But I am also a private person who is cautious about who she lets into the more intimate parts of her life. My love is kept on reserve, and I am okay with that. When I observe others opening themselves up completely and 'loving' everyone around them, I can't help but think that this is prompted by their need for love, approval, acceptance (any or all of these.) And I too have those needs; I just don't feel it is necessary to let everyone in just to feel better about myself.

There isn't a point to this post. Just another random putting-muddled-thoughts-onto-paper kind of post. This post is not directed at anyone in particular, it is about my thoughts about myself. Because I do care what others think of me and how I project myself, but at the same time I have to learn to be able to love myself, flaws and all. A work in progress, that confusing combination of accepting me and improving me. One foot in front of the other, deep breaths, and a smile. I can do this.

3 comments:

  1. kloppski,

    I fell into your site as a result of seeing your link into my site (and then I fortuitously fell into "The Wind in..." as well.)

    I can hear your heart in these pieces, and it sounds pretty good to me. Each of us has been through the times that befuddle, so I think you're in pretty good company. And I think that, when one is gentle enough with oneself for long enough...it passes.

    Thanks for acknowledging Powerful Peace.

    - Jack

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think the world is feeling the heat for years of excess and greed. Like you said, it's not personal issues that cause the feelings of depression and foreboding, it's the whole mess. I try to look at the small things, fix the small things around me and let the circle expand. If I can get myself on track, then maybe I can extend a hand to someone else. There's a lot of pressure in the world today, even without the added pressures of single parenthood and being the sole breadwinner for your household. You can only do your best, and only you know what your best is. Much love! (and I mean that)

    ReplyDelete
  3. That is so right, what you say about love. You may have just answered my friend question for me. I was really nit-picking and struggling with that term "friend", the way a UU struggles with the word "church." Haha. That deep, true love is reserved for a very few in my life, but then. Then! Maybe some have a different definition of love. Levels of it maybe?

    ReplyDelete