Friday, December 26, 2008

The Funky Blues

The day after. I'm already looking forward to spring. This was the hardest Christmas I've gotten through since 2003, which was my first Christmas after separating from Karl. What is frustrating about it is there is really no 'good' reason for the way I'm feeling, but there it is.

I do know this: every year since separating, Karl stays with us on Christmas Eve and spends most of Christmas Day with us. It's the right thing to do. But I don't enjoy it. Still, the arrangement makes things easier on Rebecca, as this way she is not pushed and pulled during that time.

I suppose the other part of this blah feeling is 'organic', but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with knowing that it's not my fault. I just hope that this particular Rx will start working soon. I am not by nature an unhappy person, and this feeling I've had lately, well, it's overwhelming.

But I'm pushing through it. I do not wallow in these feelings, I fight back. It takes a lot of energy, but I'm managing.

And I have this terrific daughter who helps keep me grounded. Thank goodness for her, and for all my friends who are supportive, even if they don't always get what I'm going through. I don't really get it either. Therein lies the frustration: I KNOW all that I am blessed with and at the same time feel weighed down with this sadness. Ugh.

It feels good to get it down on 'paper'. Thanks for 'listening' -- listening is an act of love.


  1. Here's what you wrote -- "It's the right thing to do. But I don't enjoy it."

    Okay, here are my questions, not to be judgmental, but to understand more deeply.

    1. Why is it the right thing to do? and

    2. If you don't enjoy it, why would you continue to put yourself through a scenario that does not serve you any longer?

    I would suggest being more gentle with yourself and listen to what your feelings are trying to tell you. Good luck with all of this; it will get better the more you learn about yourself. Peace.

  2. As I also wrote, "Still, the arrangement makes things easier on Rebecca, as this way she is not pushed and pulled during that time."

    It may not serve me, but it serves Rebecca. She prefers to be with me at the holidays, and this way her dad can spend time w/her. And no, I don't enjoy it, because it feels claustrophobic and makes me feel like I'm stuck back in the situation I was in before we separated. But I have done it this way for the past five years for Rebecca. My feelings are not the only to consider in this situation.

    I will agree, however, that I need to be more gentle with myself. I am one of my harshest critics, allowing guilt and remorse to dominate me emotional psyche. This is the work I currently have before me.