Thursday, June 11, 2009

Weary and befuddled...

Lots of stuff going through my mind lately.

I have a couple of friends who are in different stages of loving and losing. We had a conversation the other night about who had it better, they who have recently experienced a deep connection and are now faced with the loss of it, or me who, in spite of a few minor forays, have yet to experience that depth of friendship and passion that I long to have with a partner.

And then there is the whole dating thing. Geez. I KNEW there was a reason I didn't want to meet someone I liked: it opens up a whole package of emotions that I've managed to keep tightly wrapped and hidden. I am forced to consider who I am, what I want, what I'm willing to give, what I'm willing to accept. I feel like I'm back in high school, with all those insecure thoughts that swirl about. You try not to overthink things, you try to go with the flow, but the questions surface.

It's so much easier to be alone, not worry about the interactions, the should/shouldn't, too much/too little of it all. But then, is it better to be alone? It's kind of lonely. . .

I suppose what's bothering me the most is that I'm almost 50, I've been separated/divorced for six years now, and there isn't much on the horizon for me on a personal level. I'll be working for the next 17 years, during which time my daughter will finish high school and move on to college. Deep down, I'm aware that I have not given up on the idea of finding a partner to share those years with, but at times I feel it will be ever elusive. And I try so hard not to go to that place that asks "Is it me? What is wrong with me?"

Yeah, weary and befuddled. This too shall pass.

3 comments:

  1. Feeling more than a little melancholy myself. Nothing's wrong with you, you just haven't found the right partner for this life (How the hell do you know when you've found 'em, is my question.). And I know, I know....find someone, like them, then over-think the whole deal. It is easier, sometimes, to just be by ourselves; whether avoiding the whole romantic relationship/dating thing or interaction with our friends. No obligations, expectations, assumptions, conflict, etc, etc....
    Bleh.

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  2. Most of the time I'm okay with being alone, but I do know how you feel. There are many nights when I just start weeping uncontrollably at the thought of being alone. Then I feel like a fucking wussy crybaby (yeah, I'm hard on myself). It scares the shit out of me to think of the time when Xaviar will leave for college and I will be truly alone. Then I'll have to face all my fears about being in a relationship with someone, no excuses.

    I think about how many women I know that are in the same place, like you said, at varying degress of relationship-ness (?). It's awesome and brave of you to take the steps toward opening yourself to a relationship again.

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