Don't Wait to Start Living

The message from the universe lately is very clear: life is short. So cliche' and glib and obvious. This morning it came in the form of an email from my step-sister, letting me know that one of our childhood friends' brother (also a friend, and married to another friend...) has recently been diagnosed with cancer. Specifically, "...small cell lung cancer

that has spread to his liver, kidneys, bone, and possibly the brain. They scanned his head yesterday and I haven't heard that news yet. He starts chemo today...doesn't look good at all."

I've known these people most of my life...forty plus years. We've all been through a lot together, and have never lost touch over the years. This guy stuffed me head-first into a trash can once; I called him a 'queer' (as in jerk) and was promptly kicked out of the yard by his Marine father, who probably thought I was calling his son that other kind of queer (and who just recently died). We all experienced many rites of passage together, including smoking (all sorts), drinking, boyfriends, girlfriends, arguments, divorces (our parents'), marriages and children (our own). In short, they're family.

So now a member of that family is struggling with a deadly disease that seems to have taken over a majority of his important organs, and his wife and son are dealing with the prospect of seeing him through an illness that could very well take his life sooner than any of them expected.

This is another in a queue of people I know dealing with cancer: a neighbor, a co-worker's spouse, co-workers, church members, and now a friend. None of this is happening to me and yet I recognize that a message is there for me. I'm grateful for the message. I'm filled with concern and love for my friends. I'm at a loss, and yet I know that love is the best thing I can offer from afar.

Turn, turn, turn...

Yesterday I made three pans of lasagna: one I made for friends who recently welcomed their second child into the family and the world; the second I made for a friend whose mother passed after 96 years on this earth; the third I made for us, because practically speaking, it just made sense to make our dinner too.

Rather symbolic, those three pans of lasagna: life, death, and living. It's all so very normal, and yet each unique and equally important stages of our existence.

Turn, turn turn...

The more things change...

...the more they stay the same. Rereading some old posts, trying to find a particular one to share with mom and sis, found this one from a while back. Interesting and maybe a little disturbing, the same patterns seem to repeat. I like to think I have a better perspective (e.g., if someone has an issue with me, it's theirs, not mine; have a conversation with me...otherwise, it's none of my business...or whatever.) I like having these posts to go back and reflect on.

Turn Right at the Light...and Just Keep Going

First post of the new year. 2011. Holy shit. And I'm inspired by the blog, Lemonade, to take a different approach to my writings here. After all, it is the little things in life that can make all the difference. And it is looking at the positive/humorous side of things that allows us to get through the mucky parts of life.

One of the common themes in my recent posts has been my discouragement over being disliked or misunderstood by people who I consider(ed) friends. Well, I'm done with that. Hamster's jumpin' off of that wheel. As of right now. Finis. There are too many folks out there that 'get' me and love me and accept me for who I am. Those are the relationships I need to nurture and cultivate. It's time to feed my soul. No antagonism towards others, just acceptance that all relationships are different and some just work (and some don't.)

So, thanks AB, for the inspiration. I'm gonna turn right (towards the positive) at the light and keep moving forward. With a little help from my friends, I'll make it a good year!

Judge Less, Talk More

It would be better not to know so many things
than to know so many things that are not so. ~ Felix Okoye

This about sums things up for me lately. I have been the target of misguided judgments and attacks recently. I've been told the 'truth will set me free'. I've been told I am 'hardwired to be critical' and have been the beneficiary of snide and passive-aggressive comments on Facebook (really?!)

I feel like I'm back in sixth grade. I remember vividly when some of the neighborhood girls would get it into their heads to 'gang up' on my best friends and I. Once my family came home from vacation to find that my friends had written with charcoal all over our sidewalk and driveway; unkind, juvenile comments.

I suppose when people have insecurities of their own, it is easier to heap the blame on someone around them for those things they can't face head on. And I find myself wanting to defend myself. But then I realize, if blaming me is the only way these people can feel good, then so be it. I prefer not to succumb to the he said/she said of it all. I know in my heart what I have done (and have not done.) I have made my attempts to reach out to these people, explain my perception of things, ask directly "What have I done to have you hold this grudge all this time?" But the bottom line is, I can't change the way people think about me. They haven't taken the time to talk to me face to face, and would rather make assumptions and judgments, and take pleasure in spreading their poison. They have made determinations about me with very little knowledge of me or my story.

It is exhausting and disheartening. And a lesson in the shallowness of people's souls. I breathe in peace, and breathe out love. I breathe in peace, and breathe out hope. I am tired.

and so it goes...

ever shifting
like the deck of a ship
we struggle to maintain
our foothold
amidst the turmoil
and emotion
that is friendship
we adjust to
the storm and the calm
and we embrace landfall
with wobbly legs
knowing that sooner
or later
things will once again
shift
and change
but we love
anyway
because
our friendships
are the wind in our sails.

Head and Heart

Why can't my heart be as strong as my head? Why can't my head move in the right direction, helping my heart to stop hurting? Why aren't we able to just shut down the feelings we know aren't 'good' for us? In struggling with hurt and feelings of betrayal, when we know the best thing is to just stop thinking about it and move on, I wish the heart and the head would just get together, united, and do what is necessary for healing to take place. You know, they could have this little pow-wow:

Head to Heart: "Hey Heart, I'm telling you, none of this is good for us, release those feelings of pain and sadness, let her get on with life."

Heart to Head: "I'd like to, Head, but part of healing is pain. She has to work through it. Besides, you're the one that keeps that endless movie reel going...why can't you just turn the damn thing off. Showing the same thing over and over isn't helping me do my job one bit."

Head to Heart: "You are so right, heart. And every time I think she's gotten past it and we're headed in the right direction, you do that little thing where you jump into her throat or into the pit of her stomach, and it trips the movie reel one more time."

Heart to Head: "Well, hopefully the spinning will stop soon, Head...I mean, it's got to be worn out at this point. The girl needs to be able to sleep and eat again, if not, where will that leave us?"

Head to Heart: "Yeah, Stomach is pretty pissed off at us at this point. You know how much she enjoys food."

Heart to Head: "We need to work together. It's the only way you and I can get back to a normal existence again. Oh wait, I guess pain and joy are part of what is normal. I guess we've just managed to avoid heartache up until now. Damn, I'd forgotten how this feels. I guess you've been working overtime, head, in protecting us."

Head to Heart: "It's true, heart, I have been. It was time for her to feel alive again. It's just a shame that pain is as much a part of being alive as all the other 'good' emotions."

Heart: "Indeed. Well, time to focus, still have some work to do."

Geez, make it stop.