Discerning v. Cynical?

Where do you fall? What are your thoughts? Based on these descriptors below, I choose to strive towards discerning. The cynics in my life over time have been damning, mocking and, frankly, boring. I used to think it was me...feeling uncomfortable, uncool, like I didn't quite fit. I realize now I was responding to the mockery, the condescension, and the disrespect. It's good to be rid of that negative energy.

discerning: raises her eyebrows...to let in more information and light.
cynical: squints.

discerning: seeks.
cynical: hunts.

discerning: loves the thrill of making up his/her own mind.
cynical: has already made up his/her mind.

discerning: delineates.
cynical: damns.

discerning: wants to know better so she can do better.
cynical: wants to feel better, even if it makes him/her feel worse.

discerning: leaves space for your thing, my thing, and their thing.
cynical: acts like you're entitled to like your thing, but secretly feels that your thing is inferior to his thing.

discerning: takes a stand for what's personally true.
cynical: defaults to mockery.

discerning: can opt for dignity, good manners, and cordiality, but will blow the roof off the muthah, if need be.
cynical: likes to break things for the sake of it.

discerning: accommodates possibilities, and sometimes, the benefit of the doubt; but does not bend over. are we clear?
cynical: gets boring, real fast.

Rest in the Knowing

"Blame is protection. It's easy to protect yourself by blaming others. It allows one to maintain an illusion of themselves. If 'it' is someone else's fault you don't have to look at yourself closely." (someone anonymous but very wise)

This was in a message during an email exchange with a good friend. We were discussing how things are going in our lives. We didn't get into specifics, but rather the experience of the experiences and what we hoped to get out of those experiences (really, it does make sense, if you think about it...and I do a lot of that...thinking.) Anyhow, this was the last of several back and forths, and it really spoke to me.

Blame has been a big topic in my experiences over the past year or so. I've been exploring the concept from both sides, and I am oh so grateful for what I've learned. Because it really is true: in the long run, there is no blame to be laid. Other people do not have the power to influence our thoughts, opinions, actions. We have that power. We have the power to choose how we react to what we hear, see, feel, and experience. The most important thing we can do in any given situation that causes pause is to directly and respectfully go to the source. Not the subsource, or the best friend that will surely see things our way and bolster our self-righteous indignation.

The difficulty comes when that source, for whatever reason, will not allow the conversation/confrontation/discussion to happen. Then we are faced with the real possibility that the blame-game will continue. Or, the conversation happens and the blame is still laid at your feet. Either way, it is up to us to do the deep work, and realize that the burden of the situation is no longer ours. To say we don't care is probably not true. On some level, if we tried to have the conversation, we care. It might be for selfish reasons (no one likes to be disliked or judged unfairly), or it might be that we truly care and want to salvage a friendship. Either way, we need to know that there is a time when it's best to pick up our toys and go home.

I do know what it's like to have friends think the worst of me. I know what it's like to have those friends accuse me of things that I know in my heart are not true. I've struggled with this on many levels. The bottom line is: I know. If you are honest with yourself, and you've been honest with those around you, then just rest in the knowing. There is really nothing else to be done.

Clarity

There is a point in any given day,
that point when it's all clear.
Clear as a crisp fall day,
or a cold mountain stream.
That clarity is uncomfortable, isn't it?
It's so much easier when it's dark.
When it's foggy.
When it's murky.
When it's distant.
Way out there, removed from you.
It's easier to hide, blinders on,
head in the sand, avoiding the light.
Pretend it's not you, it's out there,
apart from you. But you know.
The clarity creeps in now and then,
and you know.
I know you know.

Vox Poetica

I've been cyber-published. :) Thanks to a friend, I found Vox Poetica and submitted a few poems. They were deemed worthy of featuring on their site. They chose And so it goes... and Helpless. I've since submitted four poems to another site; we'll see how they do. One result of this is I'm being encouraged by many folks to continue writing. So I'm going to make a more concerted effort to do just that. In fact, I've been invited by a friend to join she and another writer-friend on a writing retreat. I'm really looking forward to it, although I don't force-write very easily. We'll see what percolates. Meanwhile, I'm grateful for the encouragement and support from friends who have read and commented on what I've written so far.

I don't think I'll ever be a full-blown writer, but it's comforting to know that I am, after all, creative. I was asked once by a friend who paints, "What do you create?" And I answered, "Nothing." Now I realize, that's not true. There are many in this town who paint, or sculpt, or play music, or sing. I write. Not for recognition or for money or for art's sake, but for me. It's my cathartic exercise for my brain. It needs the release, especially when I'm overwhelmed with conflicting emotions or by events in the world that are out of my control and yet affect me deeply.

So, I'll keep writing. Hopefully more often. Thanks for reading.

Water

Water.
Put out the fire.
Run for the hills.
Purify it.
Honor it.
Curse it.
Wish it would start.
Wish it would stop.
The river runs with it.
It runs the river over.
Fill the cup.
The cup runneth over.
Not enough here. Too much there.
Heaving. Dripping. Freezing. Melting.
Eight in 24.
2/3 of our whole.
Spring. Bottled. Plastic or metal?
No choice, just bring it.
Bring it from the well.
The well's run dry.
On demand. In demand.
On the brain. On my mind.
It is us. We are it.
Water.

Gratitude List

Things I'm grateful for today:

Grateful that the fire in my neighborhood last night didn't spread, and no one was hurt.

Grateful that my heat pump, covered under the Dominion Heating and Cooling Repair Program, was fixed in a short amount of time and for only $50.

Grateful for my dear daughter, who has gracefully and beautifully entered into her 17th year, and continues to make me proud with her caring, sensitivity, and unique outlook on life.

Grateful for a light workweek, which allowed me to take the time yesterday to take care of said heater *and* enjoy my daughter's birthday with her.

Grateful for friends who understand that life pulls you in different directions, and for the opportunity to catch up with those friends when time allows.

Grateful for the coming of spring, despite a relatively easy winter. Love this time of transition, with buds on trees and plants pushing out a little more with each sunny day.

Worthiness

Related to the previous post; Brene' Brown's words are really helpful for me:

“Our lives are a collection of stories – truths about who we are, what we believe, what we come from, how we struggle, and how we are strong. When we can let go of what people think, and own our story, we gain access to our worthiness – the feeling that we are enough just as we are, and that we are worthy of love and belonging.

If we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don’t fit with who we think we’re supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and have to hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving. Our sense of worthiness lives inside of our story. It’s time to walk into our experiences and to start living and loving with our whole hearts.”