brainfissures

God Bless the Moon...

2012-01-12T11:30:00.002-05:00

As I noticed the moon greeting us this morning, and the sun just beginning to make its appearance, I commented to Rebecca that this has been one of the prettiest Januarys I can ever remember experiencing in terms of celestial views. The sunrises, sunsets, and recent fullness of the moon have had me looking more often towards the light. And that full moon this morning reminded me of the mockingbird who, in it's zeal for life and living it to the fullest, spreads its joy into the darkest hours and on through to the light of day. We can learn so much about living life through nature.

Thoughtfall

2012-01-09T12:28:00.001-05:00

Steps brisk and breaths quick,
The snow whispers soothingly,
Thoughts swirl like flakes.

The Bloggers

2012-01-05T09:20:00.001-05:00

This is nothing more than a sharing of what I think is very important writing. This is the importance of words. Of sharing words in blogs. Of breaking silences and unburdening our hearts and minds. This is why I write. And why I read what is written.

Many suffer alone, but we don't have to. Depression and anxiety still carry a stigma. I know that I often feel pressure to be up, out there, happy, and notice that most people just want to hear that I'm fine and feeling better. It isn't always a simple "snap out of it" fix, and it's important that others know that. Anyhow, I'm grateful for blogs like this, and this. Very, very grateful.

Turds

2011-12-31T19:06:00.000-05:00

Forgive them, and release them with love, she said.
I imagine setting them adrift at sea, like a rudderless
boat, or...
turds.

Everyone deserves love, all of us. Be happy
for those who find it. Wish them well, wish them joy,
wish them...
turds.

All people have good in them. We can't know their
whole story. They too have their troubles, their woes.
Forgive them...
turds.

My mind goes places I don't want it to.
It brings up memories, faces, words.
So when my mind betrays me, I imagine
nice, round, warm...
turds, drifting away on an endless sea.

Wish List

2011-12-15T11:46:00.000-05:00

I had a conversation with two friends the other day. It was about love. One friend said she loved everyone. I said I didn't think that was possible. She said sure it is...you don't have to like them, you don't have to be around them, but you can love them. I asked how she defined that kind of love. She said well, if they were hurting or in need, you'd help them, right? I said yes, of course...that's just who I am. I do reach out, even when I've been hurt or judged by someone.

So, you know what I want for Christmas? I want people to get past their petty BS and be nice to each other. I want people to give others the benefit of the doubt, rather than assuming the worst about each other. I want people to realize that, while they are holding onto grudges and misconceptions and judgements, someone's best friend, college roommate, spouse, brother, neighbor, co-worker (the list goes on...) has been diagnosed with, is fighting, or has just died from cancer or (fill in the blank).

I want people to understand that each of us is struggling with our own doubts, worries, insecurities, and fears, and we should make an extra effort to be kind to each person we meet, rather than dismiss them as crazy, or whacked, or whatever definition allows us to separate ourselves from 'them'. I want people do understand that how someone behaves has less to do with them and more to do with the individual...that the individual handles their feelings and emotions the best way they know how, with the intention of feeling better. Nothing more. It is not that individual's responsibility to make those around them feel better. It is not their job to make others understand how they feel. Our feelings often come unbidden, we can't always explain them ourselves. How we process those feelings is very much a personal journey, and we should not be subject to judgement or expectations by others. There's no 'should' about it. It just is.

So that is my wish...that we all have the capacity to love each other. Including me...I need to love me and everyone else. And part of that love is offering help when it's needed. And giving myself the love and help I need during difficult and painful times is absolutely necessary, if I'm going to offer that to others.

There it is, what I want, and what i want to offer: Love. I love you all. Unconditionally. If you need me, I'm there. I have compassion and empathy for you and what you experience. I choose to ignore any judgement or hurtful thing you've said about me. I forgive you and choose to move into the new year with a clear conscience and an open heart.

May you enjoy the best the season has to offer, and may those feelings of peace and love and compassion carry through into the new year and beyond.

Memory Lane

2011-11-29T13:51:00.004-05:00

Rebecca and I took a road trip for Thanksgiving this year. We drove to Schenectady, NY, to visit my childhood friend and explore the area that I spent years 6-9. Rebecca is a terrific travel companion, and was very tolerant (even supportive) of my need to visit the old neighborhood, elementary school, motel we lived in for a short time, and the park where my family used to picnic.

We arrived on Wednesday after a ten hour drive. Exhausted but happy to arrive, we enjoyed a pot roast dinner with Rani, her youngest daughter, and her boyfriend and son. Then Rani and I sat up and talked for a while, comparing memories and trying to figure out how it is we have remained friends all these years, when we knew each other such a short time (neighbors for two years, no classes together, don't even remember riding the bus together!) and looking at photos of the other people we both knew in the neighborhood and in school.

The next day, Rani cooked a turkey breast and I went out for wine (since I left the three bottles I'd purchased for the dinner at home). Then, we loaded up the turkey, pumpkin pie, and ourselves and drove to Rani's cousin's for the family dinner. This included her cousin and her husband and two grown sons and three Labradors, Rani's three daughters, and two grandsons. It was a full house! I had the dubious honor of carving the 20+ pound turkey and the turkey breast, and we commenced to eating...a delicious meal punctuated by the juggling of babies, shooing the dogs out of the kitchen, and random conversations.

The next day Rani had to work, so Rebecca and I set out exploring. First we stopped by the country store that has been in business since 1908, and where my family used to get pumpkins, apples, and who knows what else. We picked up several gifts and souvenirs and had fun looking at the nostalgic merchandise. Next, we set out to find the house where we lived on S. Country Club Drive. A cute middle class neighborhood that has changed very little in 40 plus years, it is situated next to the Mohawk Golf Club, where in the winter we kids would ice skate and where my brother and his friends would collect golf balls. I took photos of the house at 1186, as well as Rani's next door (now a beautiful red!)

I trespassed long enough to see the back yard, noting the door where our dog Nemui used to go under the house, the garage where my mom used to grow flowers (and a garden of some sort still exists),

the remnants of the willow tree I loved, and the absence of the brick outdoor grill that my father had built. The feeling of nostalgia that I felt is almost beyond description. Rebecca patiently walked around with me, and seemed fairly amused at my constant exclamations of how little things had changed.

Upon leaving the neighborhood, I pointed out where I would catch the school bus, and then drove almost automatically to the elementary school I had attended, looking the same but refreshed.

Next we drove into 'old town' Schenectady, actually called Upper Union Street. We walked the streets, had lunch at Gershon's, a Schenectady landmark (delicious Reuben!), and visited several shops, including Divinitea and Musler's. Then we got in the car and explored further into town, driving by Union College, The Stockade, train station, and more. Finally we headed back to the house, where we rested up before heading out to an amazing Italian meal at Augie's with Rani and her boyfriend. The portions at this place are unbelievable! We ordered two entrees and still came back with enough food for another meal for four.

On Saturday my goal was to find the motel where we had lived for a short time (it stands out in my mind, partly because it was right near a cemetery and we were there during Halloween, and partly because I was sick for part of the time, and have distinct memories of watching Mayberry RFD while my mom 'kept house' in our little room.)

Then it was off to John Boyd Thacher Park, or just Thacher Park, as I remember it. What a beautiful drive through rural upstate New York! My memory of the park, however, wasn't very accurate. I pictured a picnic area and a stream. What we found were incredible overlooks of the Hudson-Mohawk Valleys and the Adirondack and Green Mountains, innumerable picnic areas, and several hiking trails. We had heard about the Indian Ladder Trail, but it is normally closed by Thanksgiving. We were thrilled to find the trail open and, once we got past Rebecca's initial nervousness on the wrought iron stairs, "the trail follows the base of the escarpment passing under the Minelot Falls and by the stream exiting from a small cave in the base of the rocks. This water is actually from Thompson Lake, some two miles away, which makes its way through the porous limestone until it exits here. At the end of the trail, a second set of metal staircases take the visitor back to the top of the escarpment. The trail then continues back to the parking lot, offering excellent panoramas."

Finally we made our way back to the car and began the drive back to Rani's. As we drove along a country road, I saw a sign that read "Pottery For Sale". Since local art is one of the things I love to pick up on any visit to a new place, I decided to turn back. What I found was this:

After looking at the pottery and a few small paintings, I chose a small oil of some trees as my take-away local art, put my $5 in the jar, and we headed out.

We finished out our visit that evening with a family gathering for Rani's youngest daughter's 20th birthday, during which I was able to get some quality baby time in.

The next day we drove the ten hours home. I was feeling drained...exhausted and fulfilled, overwhelmed with memories and the poignancy of time marching on and those memories revisited. There was a sense of loss...but at the same time a sense of continuity. So many feelings that I'm still processing. What a wonderful trip. What a great experience for Rebecca and me.

Cool to be Kind

2011-11-18T11:47:00.001-05:00

For some reason, I've had this phrase in my head lately. I know cool people. And often, they can be cruel. Kindness isn't their initial goal, coolness is.

I never felt completely comfortable with the cool folks I've known over time. It didn't feel right, and I often found myself feeling on the fringe of things said and done. And, I was often the target of teasing or admonitions that left me feeling cold. In short, I was where I didn't need to be.

I am so grateful for where I am now. I'm pursuing the things I really care about (volunteering, discussion groups, reading, and getting out of town to visit places and friends), spending quality time with my daughter, and could give a rat's ass about whether what I'm doing, listening to, reading, or planning is considered cool or not. I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that it did matter to me just a short time ago, but grateful for the lesson.

Another reason this has been on my mind, and one that is much more serious and important, is the recent FB posts from friends about bullying and teasing. One mentions how important it is "to teach children how to treat others with respect and compassion at a young age and to continue to teach it as they grow. So many precious children's self esteem is ruined by this deficiency in our society." and is followed by the posting of this article, and the other mentions the suicide of a 10 y.o. girl, allegedly as a result of bullying.

I believe it is often the case that we all, at one time or another, have said or done things around or to others in an attempt to show off or be 'cool'. And for many, teasing others is an attempt at humor and fitting in. I know I've been guilty of doing it. Or we find something unrelateable and are dismissive of someone's feelings as a result. And this doesn't stop in the schools. It goes on throughout adulthood.

So my take-away is simply, it is cool to be kind. And I've been making a very conscious attempt at kindness, on a daily basis. I hope to be more sensitive in my words and actions towards others.

Taking In, Letting Go

2011-11-09T09:19:00.001-05:00

"To “let go” means not to worry about the future, but look forward to what might happen."

I've been considering why it is that often we hold onto stress, when we know very well what we can do to let it go (yoga, meditation, exercise). Sometimes I think it's because the stress keeps us keyed up, raising our level of anxiety which in turn keeps us moving forward, propelling us to keep hacking away at whatever it is we're trying to achieve or accomplish. In essence, we're holding our breath.

We've all heard it. When we're feeling stressed, overwhelmed, angry, whatever the emotion, the advice is: "Breathe." So simple. And yet so easy to forget, to really take in and let go. And our response is usually, "I don't have time." But we do. And we must. Our health demands it. And really, we're not serving anyone else...our families, our clients, our employers, our co-workers...if we're not breathing.

I've been working on release...of stress, of worry, of anxiety...and am taking more time to breathe...it's amazing what we can take in, and what we let go of.

Thanks, Andy

2011-11-06T10:30:00.002-05:00

Two of my idols, Katherine Hepburn and Andy Rooney, have been so because of one simple fact: they spoke their minds and cared not if their opinions didn't sit well with others. Andy Rooney died yesterday at 92. He lived a good life, and as he said, got paid to give his opinions on television...it doesn't get much better than that (paraphrasing).

My previous blog post laments the fact that some folks in this town have chosen to 'unfriend' me (both literally, on FB, and actually, in person...socially). I can safely say that in each case, those people have made that choice based on the fact that I have expressed my opinions and those opinions did not sit well with them. Whether it was an opinion on a (public) blog post, an opinion about an action involving me, or an opinion about how someone 'treated me', in each case friendships cooled as a result of those expressed opinions.

So, in honor of my two idols, I will strive to come to terms with the fact that I will continue to express my opinions and those opinions will not always be received well. And that is okay. Because suppressing my opinions is suppressing my personality, and that wouldn't be healthy. Expressing my opinion doesn't mean that I'm right, and it doesn't mean I'm wrong. It means I'm processing a situation or event or an observance, and putting my thoughts 'out there'. I welcome discussion, disagreement, and discourse. Yes, I've had to learn (and am still learning) to phrase my opinion in a way that doesn't offend. But in many cases, opinions are taken more personally than is necessary, and that is something I and others need to be better at: hearing an opinion without getting so wrapped up in it that we get our feelings hurt and miss the lesson that can often be there. Yes, I'm on both sides of this and have a lot to learn from the opinions of others...and take the lesson away without taking it any more personally than the lesson requires.

(This blog post brought to you by my cup-of-coffee-induced stream of conscious thoughts...)

Don't like me?

2011-11-02T11:42:00.000-04:00

This is a familiar theme for me, so bear with me. But I had another couple of 'social hell' evenings recently, and I have just really grown weary of the juvenile behavior of those in this town who have decided (for whatever reason they conjured up) that I'm not worthy of their friendship any longer. And honestly, I don't need to be their friends. But civility and kindness have also gone by the wayside, and that is what I'm weary of. I have become invisible to these people (few that they are...) Seriously, they will stop in front of me to hug people on my right and/or my left, and barely nod at me. Or look right through me as though I've donned the cloak of invisibility. And yes, it shouldn't matter. But it is still hurtful. These same people refuse to have a face-to-face or one-on-one conversation to resolve any perceived wrongs or misunderstandings (I've long given up trying...) It's sad that they want to hold onto whatever it is.

Meh. As a good friend said, "Lori, you have lots of friends." Very true. Good and dear and loving friends who support me and accept me for who I am. I just wish the social interactions weren't so awkward and obviously exclusive. Sigh. I try not to care, I really do. That's why I love this cartoon.

Don't Wait to Start Living

2011-11-01T11:17:00.004-04:00

The message from the universe lately is very clear: life is short. So cliche' and glib and obvious. This morning it came in the form of an email from my step-sister, letting me know that one of our childhood friends' brother (also a friend, and married to another friend...) has recently been diagnosed with cancer. Specifically, "...small cell lung cancer

that has spread to his liver, kidneys, bone, and possibly the brain. They scanned his head yesterday and I haven't heard that news yet. He starts chemo today...doesn't look good at all."

I've known these people most of my life...forty plus years. We've all been through a lot together, and have never lost touch over the years. This guy stuffed me head-first into a trash can once; I called him a 'queer' (as in jerk) and was promptly kicked out of the yard by his Marine father, who probably thought I was calling his son that other kind of queer (and who just recently died). We all experienced many rites of passage together, including smoking (all sorts), drinking, boyfriends, girlfriends, arguments, divorces (our parents'), marriages and children (our own). In short, they're family.

So now a member of that family is struggling with a deadly disease that seems to have taken over a majority of his important organs, and his wife and son are dealing with the prospect of seeing him through an illness that could very well take his life sooner than any of them expected.

This is another in a queue of people I know dealing with cancer: a neighbor, a co-worker's spouse, co-workers, church members, and now a friend. None of this is happening to me and yet I recognize that a message is there for me. I'm grateful for the message. I'm filled with concern and love for my friends. I'm at a loss, and yet I know that love is the best thing I can offer from afar.

Natural Therapy

2011-10-21T09:17:00.002-04:00

Heading to the mountains this weekend. Specifically, to Mountain Lake Biological Station. It's the SUUSI Nature Group twice annual checkout trip, where we meet up to discuss the previous year at SUUSI and what worked or didn't work, and to begin planning for next year. We'll meet, we'll hike, we'll plan. But it's also a mini-reunion, so we'll eat, and drink, and laugh, and even cry. These weekends have become so very important to me. I look forward to absorbing the energy and love that each individual brings to this place over this weekend. It renews my soul. I'm blessed and grateful.

Owl Wisdom

2011-10-20T10:12:00.004-04:00

Heard an owl the other night, as I was reading (okay, checking Facebook...) before I went to sleep. I called to Rebecca, "Owl." She replied, "I heard it."

I wonder why the call of an owl matters to me? It hits deep, touches something I can't identify. It's more than nature. It's history. It's prehistoric. It's a statement. I'm still here, he seems to say. It's not loud. In fact, if you're not listening...really listening...you won't hear him. And maybe that's the point. It's there for you, if you pay attention. And that is true about so many things in our lives, isn't it?

This is an important thing for me to remember right now, as I search/listen/wait for what is next in my life. Because something is definitely coming. I feel it. I'm open to it. And I can wait. It's a feeling of quiet anticipation. The same feeling that the call of the owl stirs up in me.

Speaking of owls, have you seen this? Amazing. And like the changes coming for me, slowly coming into view. Sweet.

Turn, turn, turn...

2011-10-18T10:48:00.005-04:00

Yesterday I made three pans of lasagna: one I made for friends who recently welcomed their second child into the family and the world; the second I made for a friend whose mother passed after 96 years on this earth; the third I made for us, because practically speaking, it just made sense to make our dinner too.

Rather symbolic, those three pans of lasagna: life, death, and living. It's all so very normal, and yet each unique and equally important stages of our existence.

Turn, turn turn...

Monarch Autumn

2011-10-13T10:07:00.004-04:00

When we lived in Pacific Grove, CA, I got homesick for fall. And when the Monarch butterflies would come through and fill the air with their gorgeous Autumn-ness, I often thought in poetic terms of how they reminded me of falling leaves (although I never wrote the poem...)

Now, as fall descends upon us here in Virginia, I find myself getting nostalgic over that time in California and the beautiful 'fall color' of the Monarchs' migration through the Monterey Peninsula.

Life is funny, isn't it?

The "C" Word

2011-10-03T08:06:00.005-04:00

It seems like not a week goes by that I'm hearing about someone who has just been diagnosed with, is currently fighting, is a survivor of, or has recently died from cancer. I suppose it's being middle-aged. But whatever the reason, it's very unsettling. And not because I'm faced with my own mortality. Because I don't take it personally; I don't take the information and think, "Am I next?" No. It's unsettling because I realize I am not emotionally equipped to know how to react or how to help. Even though my uncle and my cousin both died from cancer, and I know so many people who (thankfully) are survivors of different forms of cancer, and I know folks currently under treatment for cancer, I still feel completely inadequate when it comes to being a supportive friend.

I've been blessed with excellent health to date. Sure, I've had some high cholesterol and should lose another 20 pounds, but all in all everything is in good order. And as I've said many times before, every day I live past 51 (the age my father died of a massive heart attack) is a blessing. But good health puts me at a disadvantage in that I don't have any frame of reference when it comes to cancer. Obviously, that's a good thing. But at the same time, I feel at a complete loss when it comes to offering support.

And now a co-worker and his family have been blind-sided with what appears to be cancer. This just after another co-worker died after his battle. And I'm feeling more at a loss than ever. I can only offer practical support, as it relates to work, and spiritual support, in the form of healing thoughts and prayers. And wonder if it's enough.

Any thoughts or insight from your own experiences are appreciated.

Remembering

2011-09-07T16:38:00.003-04:00

Remembering a film I watched on the one year anniversary and reading excerpts from that film on this link, the story of Brian and Stanley struck me as particularly poignant. What is the line between who survives and who perishes? What twist of fate or stroke of luck makes that difference? All the questions…too many to consider or answer. But many stories such as this one can and should come out of the horrible events of 9/11. That is what I choose to focus on for this tenth anniversary.

The 82nd Floor (Stanley and Brian)

Death is behind him, a wall in front.
In the roar of flame and destruction,
A white noise as never heard before,
As if his fate has already been sealed.

Is that a pounding? Wait…
Yes. Someone is behind that wall.
Waiting. But no, he can’t wait,
The stairs are full of the fleeing.

That feeling, the one when
Dark is behind you, that spurs
You to speed and strength
Like you’ve never known.

Definitely, pounding. Someone
Is there, trying to get out.
Of course he waits. How
Could he not? Waiting…

Pounding, pounding,
Striking with all the fear
And panic that has come up
In his throat.

There! A hand…he
Reaches in, grabs something…
A collar, a sleeve? It
Doesn’t matter…just pull!

Yes! A hand grabs him, the
Hole grows larger. How
Could one wall be the
Difference between life and death?

They collapse on the floor, strangers
in a puddle of fear mixed with relief.
And in the midst of the terror, Stanley
and Brian, now friends for life.

Sum-sum-summertime!

2011-07-15T11:55:00.004-04:00

Whoa, there I am! Been busy, busy, busy. And that's a good thing. Although the sick part wasn't good, but it's ending. Just in time for our annual trek to Radford and SUUSI.

Summer has been great, although it does seem to be going too fast. But that's how it works. Good times make the time fly by, and bad times seem to make it drag. Ah, life.

I spent five days and four nights with six other glorious women in Wild, Wonderful West By-god Virginia. What a blessing they are, and what a balm that time is each year. I am truly grateful. We ate wonderful food, we drank (whenever we felt like it, thank you very much), we talked, we read, we laughed, we did puzzles, played games, watched (and made fun of) Star Trek episodes, and we explored the areas of Canaan Valley that were within a 30 minute drive.

We spent time in the hot tub, au naturale. When the weather wasn't absolutely perfect, it was perfectly rainy, 'forcing' a day of rest. Sitting in the hot tub, under the protection of the porch roof, while watching, listening to, and smelling the rain was absolute bliss for me. The entire jaunt was book-ended by lunches in Harrisonburg, the first at the Little Grill Collective, and the other at Clementine. Each offers its own unique atmosphere and wonderful food. This is becoming a tradition, and one I thoroughly enjoy.

I hope everyone's summer is equally enjoyable, with healthy doses of fun, relaxation, good friends, fabulous food, and new (or renewed) experiences.

Life is good! Grab it!

Discerning v. Cynical?

2011-06-15T10:52:00.002-04:00

Where do you fall? What are your thoughts? Based on these descriptors below, I choose to strive towards discerning. The cynics in my life over time have been damning, mocking and, frankly, boring. I used to think it was me...feeling uncomfortable, uncool, like I didn't quite fit. I realize now I was responding to the mockery, the condescension, and the disrespect. It's good to be rid of that negative energy.

discerning: raises her eyebrows...to let in more information and light.
cynical: squints.

discerning: seeks.
cynical: hunts.

discerning: loves the thrill of making up his/her own mind.
cynical: has already made up his/her mind.

discerning: delineates.
cynical: damns.

discerning: wants to know better so she can do better.
cynical: wants to feel better, even if it makes him/her feel worse.

discerning: leaves space for your thing, my thing, and their thing.
cynical: acts like you're entitled to like your thing, but secretly feels that your thing is inferior to his thing.

discerning: takes a stand for what's personally true.
cynical: defaults to mockery.

discerning: can opt for dignity, good manners, and cordiality, but will blow the roof off the muthah, if need be.
cynical: likes to break things for the sake of it.

discerning: accommodates possibilities, and sometimes, the benefit of the doubt; but does not bend over. are we clear?
cynical: gets boring, real fast.

Rest in the Knowing

2011-04-29T08:40:00.005-04:00

"Blame is protection. It's easy to protect yourself by blaming others. It allows one to maintain an illusion of themselves. If 'it' is someone else's fault you don't have to look at yourself closely." (someone anonymous but very wise)

This was in a message during an email exchange with a good friend. We were discussing how things are going in our lives. We didn't get into specifics, but rather the experience of the experiences and what we hoped to get out of those experiences (really, it does make sense, if you think about it...and I do a lot of that...thinking.) Anyhow, this was the last of several back and forths, and it really spoke to me.

Blame has been a big topic in my experiences over the past year or so. I've been exploring the concept from both sides, and I am oh so grateful for what I've learned. Because it really is true: in the long run, there is no blame to be laid. Other people do not have the power to influence our thoughts, opinions, actions. We have that power. We have the power to choose how we react to what we hear, see, feel, and experience. The most important thing we can do in any given situation that causes pause is to directly and respectfully go to the source. Not the subsource, or the best friend that will surely see things our way and bolster our self-righteous indignation.

The difficulty comes when that source, for whatever reason, will not allow the conversation/confrontation/discussion to happen. Then we are faced with the real possibility that the blame-game will continue. Or, the conversation happens and the blame is still laid at your feet. Either way, it is up to us to do the deep work, and realize that the burden of the situation is no longer ours. To say we don't care is probably not true. On some level, if we tried to have the conversation, we care. It might be for selfish reasons (no one likes to be disliked or judged unfairly), or it might be that we truly care and want to salvage a friendship. Either way, we need to know that there is a time when it's best to pick up our toys and go home.

I do know what it's like to have friends think the worst of me. I know what it's like to have those friends accuse me of things that I know in my heart are not true. I've struggled with this on many levels. The bottom line is: I know. If you are honest with yourself, and you've been honest with those around you, then just rest in the knowing. There is really nothing else to be done.

Clarity

2011-04-25T14:58:00.004-04:00

There is a point in any given day,
that point when it's all clear.
Clear as a crisp fall day,
or a cold mountain stream.
That clarity is uncomfortable, isn't it?
It's so much easier when it's dark.
When it's foggy.
When it's murky.
When it's distant.
Way out there, removed from you.
It's easier to hide, blinders on,
head in the sand, avoiding the light.
Pretend it's not you, it's out there,
apart from you. But you know.
The clarity creeps in now and then,
and you know.
I know you know.

Vox Poetica

2011-03-24T15:59:00.007-04:00

I've been cyber-published. :) Thanks to a friend, I found Vox Poetica and submitted a few poems. They were deemed worthy of featuring on their site. They chose And so it goes... and Helpless. I've since submitted four poems to another site; we'll see how they do. One result of this is I'm being encouraged by many folks to continue writing. So I'm going to make a more concerted effort to do just that. In fact, I've been invited by a friend to join she and another writer-friend on a writing retreat. I'm really looking forward to it, although I don't force-write very easily. We'll see what percolates. Meanwhile, I'm grateful for the encouragement and support from friends who have read and commented on what I've written so far.

I don't think I'll ever be a full-blown writer, but it's comforting to know that I am, after all, creative. I was asked once by a friend who paints, "What do you create?" And I answered, "Nothing." Now I realize, that's not true. There are many in this town who paint, or sculpt, or play music, or sing. I write. Not for recognition or for money or for art's sake, but for me. It's my cathartic exercise for my brain. It needs the release, especially when I'm overwhelmed with conflicting emotions or by events in the world that are out of my control and yet affect me deeply.

So, I'll keep writing. Hopefully more often. Thanks for reading.

Water

2011-03-23T12:12:00.003-04:00

Water.
Put out the fire.
Run for the hills.
Purify it.
Honor it.
Curse it.
Wish it would start.
Wish it would stop.
The river runs with it.
It runs the river over.
Fill the cup.
The cup runneth over.
Not enough here. Too much there.
Heaving. Dripping. Freezing. Melting.
Eight in 24.
2/3 of our whole.
Spring. Bottled. Plastic or metal?
No choice, just bring it.
Bring it from the well.
The well's run dry.
On demand. In demand.
On the brain. On my mind.
It is us. We are it.
Water.

Gratitude List

2011-03-09T13:31:00.005-05:00

Things I'm grateful for today:

Grateful that the fire in my neighborhood last night didn't spread, and no one was hurt.

Grateful that my heat pump, covered under the Dominion Heating and Cooling Repair Program, was fixed in a short amount of time and for only $50.

Grateful for my dear daughter, who has gracefully and beautifully entered into her 17th year, and continues to make me proud with her caring, sensitivity, and unique outlook on life.

Grateful for a light workweek, which allowed me to take the time yesterday to take care of said heater *and* enjoy my daughter's birthday with her.

Grateful for friends who understand that life pulls you in different directions, and for the opportunity to catch up with those friends when time allows.

Grateful for the coming of spring, despite a relatively easy winter. Love this time of transition, with buds on trees and plants pushing out a little more with each sunny day.

Worthiness

2011-02-09T09:52:00.002-05:00

Related to the previous post; Brene' Brown's words are really helpful for me:

“Our lives are a collection of stories – truths about who we are, what we believe, what we come from, how we struggle, and how we are strong. When we can let go of what people think, and own our story, we gain access to our worthiness – the feeling that we are enough just as we are, and that we are worthy of love and belonging.

If we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don’t fit with who we think we’re supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and have to hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving. Our sense of worthiness lives inside of our story. It’s time to walk into our experiences and to start living and loving with our whole hearts.”

You CAN go home...

2011-02-06T12:01:00.003-05:00

...and I did it again this weekend. Quick trip to Norfolk to catch up with some childhood and high school friends, and also make some new ones. Going home is always a bittersweet experience. It reconnects me with the places, people,and experiences that are a big part of who I am...very grounding. In that reconnecting, memories are conjured up that aren't always pleasant...sadness over how many have passed, accidents, illnesses. And current trials in life...several in the room had just lost mothers in the past six months. Others are currently going through marital problems. One had just lost his wife to cancer. And yet, looking around the room, I saw smiles, nods, heads thrown back in laughter, faces deep in concentration as they listened to stories, hugs everywhere, exclamations of surprise. It was truly a joyous experience to be in that room.

One of the things I love most about this reconnection is the realization that these people really 'get' me. They know where I came from, they know just how much history we all have together, and they realize the importance of staying connected, of community, of letting go of trivial misunderstandings and differences that once seemed so important. They get that we all have quirks, but they also embrace us despite those quirks, oftentimes because they know what we've been through, how we grew up, what we've had to deal with in life, and that they too are loved and accepted for who they are by the rest of us. In that room that night were differences on many levels, and yet the focus was on the things that have been a part of us for 35 or more years, and that is the good stuff, the stuff that sustains us, and the stuff that makes it so good to go home again.

In the past ten years since I've been in the area I now call home, I've made some wonderful new friends, and I cherish them. But making new friends in mid-life can be a challenge. We often don't give each other the benefit of the doubt, and allow for some wiggle room when our friends make mistakes or don't meet our expectations. They don't really 'know' us or 'get' us in the same way that those who've known us since grade school do. And I think it's a shame that we don't see each other for the complex beings that we are. It's almost like we should all come with a table of contents, with each chapter titled according to the ups and downs of our lives. Rather than assume the worst about each other, we should be assuming the best...assume that we've had influences that shape our very core. We should be listening to each others' stories, not judging the foibles. Cliche' as it is, life is just too effing short to be cutting people out of our lives or holding grudges over petty differences. It makes me sad to watch others do so, but I won't dwell on it. My life is rich in friendships, and so many true blessings, I've determined to focus on those friendships and blessings and continue to move forward, with my feet firmly grounded in the knowledge of who I am, embracing it fully.

Letting Go

2011-01-20T12:36:00.004-05:00

Awareness is an amazing thing. If I really, really pay attention to where my thoughts go, I'm so very grateful no one can read them. A real lesson in readjusting my thinking. And part of that process has come from watching others and how they react to negative situations around them. It's true what they say, often when you dislike a quality or characteristic in someone else, it may be that you recognize that very same thing in yourself. The trick is letting yourself acknowledge that, own it, and (if you really don't like it) turn it around. Fascinating. Not easy, but so much more freeing than holding onto resentment, criticism, competitiveness, and negative thinking. Letting go can be so liberating. May it be so!

Look...but don't touch!

2011-01-18T12:17:00.004-05:00

Today I'm grateful for our monthly division meeting, which took place at Belmont/Gari Melchers Home and Studio, this morning. We had refreshments (which was awesome, since I missed breakfast this morning...), a talk from Director David Berreth, and a tour of the current exhibit: The New Reality: The Frontier of Realism in the 21st Century.

Wow. Truly stunning. We are so very, very fortunate to have this historical and cultural gem in our area.

It was all I could do not to touch these paintings, the realism unlike anything I've ever seen before. Head on over there. This weekend. You won't regret it.

Amen

2011-01-17T09:27:00.004-05:00

We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies. ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

The man was too good for this world, apparently. Thank god his words live on to this day, inspiring people to love, forgive, promote peace, and respect their fellow man.

The more things change...

2011-01-14T09:40:00.003-05:00

...the more they stay the same. Rereading some old posts, trying to find a particular one to share with mom and sis, found this one from a while back. Interesting and maybe a little disturbing, the same patterns seem to repeat. I like to think I have a better perspective (e.g., if someone has an issue with me, it's theirs, not mine; have a conversation with me...otherwise, it's none of my business...or whatever.) I like having these posts to go back and reflect on.

An Extraordinary Day

2011-01-14T08:15:00.003-05:00

That's what today is. Extraordinary. Nothing today will be quite like any other day. Today we're given a fresh canvas. Some of the elements are the same, but the entire day stretches before us and gives us the chance to be a better us. Right now, we can move forward and be a positive force in someone's life. Right now, we can look around us and say, "How very fortunate I am to have been given another day. I'm thankful." Right now, we can give a smile, pat a shoulder, lend an ear, look someone in the eye, and really connect. Right now, we can forgive ourselves for the mistakes we made yesterday, and look at today with the eyes of a child:

see the sunrise as though it was our first, hear the birdsong and recognize the timelessness of the sound, feel the crisp cold air and recognize the thousands and thousands of winter days gone and to come; smell the freshness in that cold air, and breathe in a new day of life. All these sensory experiences allow us to recognize both our insignificance and our good fortune in this great big world. It's a brand new day...make it a good one.

Thankful for...

2011-01-13T12:28:00.002-05:00

For bright blue skies on a cold winter day
For my daughter's cheerful morning voice
For comfortable work clothes
For a window overlooking my little world
For the bluebirds in our backyard on a cold winter morning
For filled dates on my calendar
For open spaces of time on that same calendar
For a to-do list at work, which helps to pass the time
For aloe, eucalyptus, rosemary and lavender scented chest rub...

It just bears repeating...

2011-01-12T10:22:00.004-05:00

...I need to see this more than just once a year:

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2010.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts over things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree...

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything..
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing.
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful, or joyful.
34. Time heals.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change..
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up..
37. The best is yet to come..
38. When you awake alive in the morning, be thankful.
39. Your Innermost is always happy. So, be happy.

There were five in the bed...

2011-01-08T11:12:00.003-05:00

My off weekend, R. is with her dad. Stayed home last night, although I considered going out for music about 15 times. Just couldn't muster up the energy. Good thing, since as it was I slept until 10 a.m. and woke up feeling as though I'm fighting something off. But I woke up with four cats on the bed, all snoozing right along with me, not one single 'meow' about getting fed. Always feel better after a shower and moving around some, but this is definitely something I need to fight off. Even though I know I missed some great music, I'm glad I opted for home.

In any case, a day of straightening and organizing a bit, then up to MD for a house concert/overnight at Susie's House Concerts. Always enjoy the house concert venue for music, and especially one 'away' where I can meet new folks.

It's 11:19. Better start the day!

6 a.m.

2011-01-07T08:15:00.006-05:00

Having a tough time with the 6 a.m. wake up this week. But then, driving into work and listening to the news on NPR, we were reminded once again of how very fortunate we are...so many privileges and services that we take for granted, while elsewhere folks are woken up by bombs, or news of loved ones killed by bombs. And we're reminded of the devoted folks in the military who sleep on the cold ground if they sleep at all. And the news guy that gave the report this morning, embedded with the troops and reporting on those killed, perhaps because he believes it is so important that people know what's happening 'over there' and that we remember, and maybe we'll stop and appreciate what we have, maybe even give a little prayer of thanks and safekeeping.

Sure, I would've loved a snow delay this morning. But then, I'm just grateful I have a job, and my daughter has the privilege of going to school every day, and we wake up in a warm house, with four loving (er, hungry...) cats, and we put on clean clothes and eat our breakfast and drive our car to said job and school, and this weekend I'll have the opportunity to spend time with family or friends, enjoying food, art, wine, and music.

Yeah, I guess getting up at 6 a.m. is a very, very small price to pay.

Turn Right at the Light...and Just Keep Going

2011-01-06T11:18:00.007-05:00

First post of the new year. 2011. Holy shit. And I'm inspired by the blog, Lemonade, to take a different approach to my writings here. After all, it is the little things in life that can make all the difference. And it is looking at the positive/humorous side of things that allows us to get through the mucky parts of life.

One of the common themes in my recent posts has been my discouragement over being disliked or misunderstood by people who I consider(ed) friends. Well, I'm done with that. Hamster's jumpin' off of that wheel. As of right now. Finis. There are too many folks out there that 'get' me and love me and accept me for who I am. Those are the relationships I need to nurture and cultivate. It's time to feed my soul. No antagonism towards others, just acceptance that all relationships are different and some just work (and some don't.)

So, thanks AB, for the inspiration. I'm gonna turn right (towards the positive) at the light and keep moving forward. With a little help from my friends, I'll make it a good year!

Happily Merrily Holidaying

2010-12-02T12:20:00.005-05:00

I'm feeling it this year. Despite ups and downs with friendships and money and life in general, I feel truly in the mood for the holiday festivities. Something's aligning properly. And even with the days leading up to the holiday packed with activities, I don't feel overwhelmed. So, bring it on!

(and lest ye think, so what, you're in the mood, read this...)

Enjoy this tribute from SheDaisy, one of our favorites...and Happiest of Holidays, whatever you choose to celebrate!

Gratitude

2010-11-22T09:17:00.005-05:00

Grateful for so many things this year. For friends who embrace me as a whole. Grateful for friends who acknowledge my quirkier parts and see them as attributes. Grateful for a daughter who sees me at my worst and yet thinks I'm the best. Grateful for a compatible divorced relationship with my ex. Grateful for those friends who understand when you disappear or go 'under' for a time, and let me know they're still there when I emerge. Grateful for a job that challenges me and constantly teaches me that there are many ways to get the job done. Grateful for this little town I live in that, despite closing in on me occasionally, almost always feels like home. Grateful for aging. Grateful for the seasons, that keep coming despite all that we have done to disrupt some of nature's beautiful cycles. Grateful for those moments in my life where I have to step back and understand the other side of things...it's never so simple that you can just walk away knowing you are 'right'. No matter the situation, there is something you can learn...and I am grateful for those lessons. I'm grateful for the opportunities I've had to help needy animals, and am so grateful for the joy of seeing those animals in safe and loving homes. Grateful for the home Rebecca and I have shared together for the past seven years. Grateful for those friends who, in my moments of self-doubt and crumbling confidence, hear me out and talk me down. Grateful for the realization that I cannot be what others expect me to be, and grateful that someone else's assumptions do not equal my truth. I'm so grateful for my family. As spread out as we are, I know the love is there, and the history we share has made us all who we are. I'm grateful for all of it, the good and the bad. I'm grateful for the heartache I've experienced with friendships that have faded. I'm grateful that I know, deep in my heart, that I have been honest and acted with good intentions in those friendships. I'm grateful that I did my best to bridge gaps and open the lines of communication. I'm grateful that true friendships don't really take that much work or effort. I'm grateful for the abundance of natural beauty in my life, and that I'm able, as much as ever, to notice those small, simple, beautiful things every single day. They can fill my heart in a very special way. I'm grateful for each season, holiday, month, year that I'm able to walk this earth and appreciate her gifts. I'm so very grateful.

Check-in...

2010-11-01T17:00:00.002-04:00

No blog posts usually equals tranquility in my life, and that's true in this case. Unfortunately, it doesn't always mean resolution (as it relates to previous posts.) No face to face, no apologies, no acknowledgment of wrong assumptions. I guess it makes me a little sad, but I'm not looking back.

Seems like we've been non-stop busy since early summer. All good stuff, but I'm anxious for some weekends with no plans. I need to get more painting done (house...I'm no artist!) Heck, I still need to get some laundry done! But Rebecca and I have had some fun weekends, and getting into the rhythm of her staying with her dad every other weekend means I've had more me time. I've foregone many a party and many a musical outing in favor of that me time, and no regrets there. Trying to get a good balance of work, volunteer, and family time. It seems to be working, so far.

Holidays are fast approaching, and we've got good plans coming up. Finally getting out to Reno to see my brother and his house that he's worked so hard on improving (and keeping...) and Rebecca and I have a fun trip to Florida planned for the winter break. Once again I've had a good year of connecting with new friends and reconnecting with old. Some things have changed, but ultimately all for the good. And the old adage comes back to mind, "Never regret anything that made you smile." Indeed.

Thank you, Oriah.

2010-10-28T10:51:00.003-04:00

I'm taking the easy way out, posting a link to a blog rather than blogging myself. But when something is right (for me), it's right. There's so much here, I'd almost like to get a group of folks together to discuss. So, here it is:

http://oriahsinvitation.blogspot.com/2010/10/doing-our-best.html

Aaaaaand...Exhale

2010-09-10T15:11:00.004-04:00

Deep breath in, looooooooooooooong breath out. I remember when I was in labor with Rebecca, I had miserable lower back pain and ridiculous, irregular contractions. The nurses were patient, even as loud as I was (they said they'd heard worse....) At one point, one of them told me it helped to hold the exhale as long as I could. And she was right. When I could really focus and hold my exhale, the pain lessened. Of course, when the new love of my life showed up in the form of the anesthesiologist and I finally received the pain injection, the pain really lessened.

Still, there is something to be said for breathing...especially breathing out. Long, long breath out. There, that's better.

The Invitation

2010-09-09T07:59:00.002-04:00

Beautiful words, need to revisit these often:

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Judge Less, Talk More

2010-09-06T10:48:00.004-04:00

It would be better not to know so many things
than to know so many things that are not so. ~ Felix Okoye

This about sums things up for me lately. I have been the target of misguided judgments and attacks recently. I've been told the 'truth will set me free'. I've been told I am 'hardwired to be critical' and have been the beneficiary of snide and passive-aggressive comments on Facebook (really?!)

I feel like I'm back in sixth grade. I remember vividly when some of the neighborhood girls would get it into their heads to 'gang up' on my best friends and I. Once my family came home from vacation to find that my friends had written with charcoal all over our sidewalk and driveway; unkind, juvenile comments.

I suppose when people have insecurities of their own, it is easier to heap the blame on someone around them for those things they can't face head on. And I find myself wanting to defend myself. But then I realize, if blaming me is the only way these people can feel good, then so be it. I prefer not to succumb to the he said/she said of it all. I know in my heart what I have done (and have not done.) I have made my attempts to reach out to these people, explain my perception of things, ask directly "What have I done to have you hold this grudge all this time?" But the bottom line is, I can't change the way people think about me. They haven't taken the time to talk to me face to face, and would rather make assumptions and judgments, and take pleasure in spreading their poison. They have made determinations about me with very little knowledge of me or my story.

It is exhausting and disheartening. And a lesson in the shallowness of people's souls. I breathe in peace, and breathe out love. I breathe in peace, and breathe out hope. I am tired.

Sounds of September

2010-08-27T10:18:00.005-04:00

The call of the blue jay does it for her,
My mother once told me.
That clear, insistent reminder,
Of the stillness that would soon be.

Clouds whispering to a blue sky,
Thirsty leaves rustling in the trees.
A tired butterfly drifting by,
Stealing some life from the breeze.

As the nagging geese set the mood,
The excitement of summer gives way,
To the quiet, the peace, the solitude,
Of a young mother on an August day.

She notices each sound, quiet and clear,
And allows them to briefly transport her,
To that promising, melancholy time of year,
And the sweet, sad sounds of September.

Follow the Flow

2010-08-05T16:26:00.004-04:00

Funny how life is constantly presenting us with growth experiences. While a friend has (not so affectionately) dubbed them "fucking" growth experiences, they are, nonetheless, opportunities for self-examination and evaluation. And I think, ultimately, we are (or can be) grateful for them. A friend recently posted this link http://www.healyourlife.com/author-denise-marek/2010/07/wisdom/personal-growth/why-fight-it?cache=1 on her Facebook page, and within that post were the following questions to ask ourselves when presented with the bigger question, "What do I do now?"

Will any amount of thinking, forcing, or coaxing alter my situation?
Which thoughts and old beliefs do I need to let go of?
In which new direction would I like to head?

Amazing how, if you sit with something long enough, and allow yourself to process the emotions attached to a situation, your instincts will guide you. Subconsciously, we may have already asked ourselves these (or similar) questions. But it is definitely important to take the time to sit with the situation. And then just go with the flow. As the author says, "You can free yourself and go with the flow, too: Accept the situation for what it is, let go of negative thoughts associated with it by trusting that good will come out of every experience, and open up to a change in direction. Allow the natural current of life to take you on a marvelous new adventure."

Indeed.

Helpless

2010-06-10T14:58:00.003-04:00

Do you hear the screaming?
The crying?
Me neither.
It's deafening, really.
The sadness is overwhelming,
and the helplessness.
Like the tree in the forest,
dying with no witness.
Fin and feather,
scale and shell.
Can you hear it?
Me neither.
Make it stop.

and so it goes...

2010-04-01T22:56:00.002-04:00

ever shifting
like the deck of a ship
we struggle to maintain
our foothold
amidst the turmoil
and emotion
that is friendship
we adjust to
the storm and the calm
and we embrace landfall
with wobbly legs
knowing that sooner
or later
things will once again
shift
and change
but we love
anyway
because
our friendships
are the wind in our sails.

Head and Heart

2010-02-24T08:22:00.004-05:00

Why can't my heart be as strong as my head? Why can't my head move in the right direction, helping my heart to stop hurting? Why aren't we able to just shut down the feelings we know aren't 'good' for us? In struggling with hurt and feelings of betrayal, when we know the best thing is to just stop thinking about it and move on, I wish the heart and the head would just get together, united, and do what is necessary for healing to take place. You know, they could have this little pow-wow:

Head to Heart: "Hey Heart, I'm telling you, none of this is good for us, release those feelings of pain and sadness, let her get on with life."

Heart to Head: "I'd like to, Head, but part of healing is pain. She has to work through it. Besides, you're the one that keeps that endless movie reel going...why can't you just turn the damn thing off. Showing the same thing over and over isn't helping me do my job one bit."

Head to Heart: "You are so right, heart. And every time I think she's gotten past it and we're headed in the right direction, you do that little thing where you jump into her throat or into the pit of her stomach, and it trips the movie reel one more time."

Heart to Head: "Well, hopefully the spinning will stop soon, Head...I mean, it's got to be worn out at this point. The girl needs to be able to sleep and eat again, if not, where will that leave us?"

Head to Heart: "Yeah, Stomach is pretty pissed off at us at this point. You know how much she enjoys food."

Heart to Head: "We need to work together. It's the only way you and I can get back to a normal existence again. Oh wait, I guess pain and joy are part of what is normal. I guess we've just managed to avoid heartache up until now. Damn, I'd forgotten how this feels. I guess you've been working overtime, head, in protecting us."

Head to Heart: "It's true, heart, I have been. It was time for her to feel alive again. It's just a shame that pain is as much a part of being alive as all the other 'good' emotions."

Heart: "Indeed. Well, time to focus, still have some work to do."

Geez, make it stop.

de Colores

2010-01-29T10:20:00.005-05:00

Got through January. Often the most difficult month of the year for many. Now the light is changing, the birds are beginning to move into migration mode. If you look carefully, you can discern a faint pink to red hue on the trees...buds just waiting for enough warmth before bursting forth with spring colors. Can't help but be a little hopeful.

Been putting new color in my life this past month. Undertaken the task of painting the interior of our townhome, after living there for six plus years. Apartment life and military life prevented or precluded me from bothering to personalize any home with statements of color, but I'm done with that. I had promised Rebecca we would paint her room several years ago, and we have finally accomplished that as well as paint in five other rooms. The project is at a standstill right now, as each room is in a transitional state, waiting for furniture to be moved out, up, or over. Meanwhile, I've been mulling over the color scheme for my kitchen...and it has finally come together. Now, I'm really anxious to get started on that room and make real what has only recently come together in my mind.

For some, painting may not sound like a big deal. But for me, this project has been a challenge on so many levels. I do not like my life disrupted in this manner...things out of place, cleaning kept to a minimum because there's 'stuff' in the way, and the painting itself, which puts my perfectionist-but-not-very-professional painting skills to a real test. However, the last room I did (Rebecca's bathroom) I actually got into it. I mean, it was kind of zen, the experience. And now, sometimes I'll just walk in there and look around, and smile (not when I see Rebecca's dirty clothes stuffed behind the toilet, or the layers of dried soap and hair on the counter...oh, geez...)

So, I'm looking forward to completing this project, and am able to see that it actually will get completed. It's become more than just a painting project, it's become an experience in self-exploration. And it's been good, I can see that now. Ah, de colores...

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Water off a Duck's Back

2009-12-23T15:43:00.003-05:00

Two days before Christmas. I read a quote today that seems to sum it up for me: "To perceive Christmas through its wrappings becomes more difficult with every year." (E.B. White) There is a certain pressure to be happy and joyous, and yet it isn't always easy to conjure up those emotions.

No one needs to remind me of all that I have to be grateful for, as I am very aware. I have a good, safe, comfortable home, a steady job that I enjoy and that pays me well enough, I have a terrific almost-15-year-old daughter that continually reminds me of how much she loves me and thinks I'm 'the best', and I have wonderful friendships, old and new. And yet I'm troubled by the fact that a few of those friendships have fallen by the wayside, and largely due to misunderstandings and/or a difference in how to approach the situations life presents us. One's judgments and opinions are only as good as the life experience and perception that they bring to the table at any given moment, and yet relationships are ruined based on that narrow point of view. Despite attempts on my part to bridge the gap, there are a couple of friends who prefer to remain on the fringe.

Of course, this brings me back to the key component of The Four Agreements -- Don't take things personally. It's time to let it go, release whatever ick I'm feeling, and shake it off. No, I'm not a duck, so it won't be as simple as water off the back. But for my own sake, I need to know that I have done what I could and, as long as I can be honest with myself about my intention and attempts, forgive myself and move on.

So, come on Christmas. I embrace the ideas of peace and fellowship of the season, and remain optimistic for the good that will come in the new year. Blessings to all.

Moving through the Melancholy

2009-11-23T08:22:00.005-05:00

It's a time of reflection, Thanksgiving...at least for me. When Rebecca was in the first grade (so, eight years ago), she was home sick and missed a trip to Graves' Mountain. We decided to make that up for her and check it out, and so went for a weekend. That trip began an annual tradition, although we moved it up to Thanksgiving so that we could enjoy the abundance of the buffet spread (if you get there in time for lunch and spend the night, you get to enjoy it twice!)...truly some of the best fried oysters I've ever had, country ham, homemade biscuits and apple butter, and so much more.

Anyhow, it was during one of these trips for Thanksgiving I experienced my third miscarriage. It started early in the week, but since we'd made our plans we decided to go ahead. By now I knew all the signs, so it was just a matter of letting nature take its course. But it was a tough weekend, immersed in pain and sadness during a time that should be about gratitude and appreciation for the good things in our lives. And yet, I was able to spend the majority of my time that weekend (thanks to Karl spending time with Rebecca so I could have some solitude) sitting quietly and just absorbing the energy of those around me. It ended up being the best possible thing for me, to be around people but not necessarily have to interact with them.

Nonetheless, every year at this time I find myself feeling a bit melancholy. It usually takes me a while to figure out what's 'wrong', and then it comes back to me. This third miscarriage was my last attempt at trying to have more children, and so I imagine that the finality of that has stuck with me through the years. While I realize that, given what happened over the ensuing years with the end of my marriage, I suppose things do happen for a reason, it is still a difficult time of year. This feeling is compounded by reflection on my life as it is today, having been divorced for six years, middle-aged, and a single mom. Generally I don't dwell on the prospect of aging alone, but at this time of year it all seems to settle around me and it can weigh on me pretty heavily.

So, Rebecca and I are headed to the mountains. We will spend four days and three nights at The Mountain, a Unitarian Universalist retreat center near Highlands, NC. We will be around people but will be free to interact or enjoy solitude as we need to. I hope to get some good hikes in and just enjoy the area and the peace of the surrounding scenery. It will be good for my soul and my psyche, and I am grateful for the opportunity to take this time.

Meanwhile, I realize how much I have to be grateful for, with a loving family, good friends, all the necessities of life as well as a few luxuries, and the good sense to take care of me. It's been a big year for me emotionally, and I am happy to say that I see the year ending in a positive and joyful way, with the knowledge that I have exactly what I need in life already.

Accepting the Gift

2009-10-01T13:16:00.004-04:00

A very dear, sweet soul was lost to us yesterday. Nancy Gilmore lost her battle with cancer of the esophagus, leaving grieving friends and family. Nancy truly was one of the kindest and gentlest people I've known, full of love and had the sweetest voice. She will be sadly missed.

As I contemplate turning 50, I am struck be the timing of life and death events. When someone dies so young and had so much left to give, it is cause for reflection and assessment. I remember when my daughter was due to be born, and my cousin of only 24 lost his battle with cancer. Rebecca was born a few days later. Death and life. I remember when my mother's father died, and the day after I went to school and felt bewildered over the beauty of the fall day in spite of the loss.

And yet I also understand, those who go before us would want us to live fully and to surround ourselves with those we love and who love us. So it is with this thought in mind that I look forward to celebrating my 50th birthday with so many people that I love. I will hold Nancy and her family close in my thoughts and in my heart. And I will celebrate living, because every day truly is a gift, and I accept it with an open and loving heart.

Never Again...?

2009-09-07T16:18:00.003-04:00

Rock and Roll Half Marathon Virginia Beach, check. Yup, did it, and did it pretty well, for having hardly trained at all. What a tremendous experience! One of 20,000 who registered to run or walk 13.1 miles from the convention center, over rudee inlet, down General Booth Blvd., through Camp Pendleton, and finishing up on the boardwalk, all the while with residents, cheerleaders, and bands to motivate us, and hundreds of volunteers ready with water, Cytomax, and encouragement pushing us on.

My sense of dread on Saturday just kept building, realizing I hadn't trained near as much as I'd hoped. But the goal had all along been nothing more than to finish and finish uninjured. I would run as much as I could, but listen to my body.

We had eleven folks staying at the house that our friend Chris so generously rented. We all got checked in and enjoyed some of the expo shopping, got a little beach time in, and then enjoyed a spaghetti dinner complete with two delicious salads and yummy bread. A nice walk on the beach under a full moon completed the night. We could hear the music until about 11, and then all got quiet. And I couldn't sleep. All told I may have gotten 2 1/2 hours. I was up at 5:30 and ready to go by 6. We all walked over to the start of the race, and then waited for over 30 minutes as each group of runners started.

Each group (or corral) is staged based on their estimated finish time. Many folks move into different corrals once they get there, based on how they feel and how they've prepared. I was placed in corral 18, but moved myself back to 22. I was not feeling as optimistic as I had been in April.

Finally our corral was off. My friend Amy stuck with me during the entire race, and I am so grateful. She let me set the pace, walked when I walked, ran when I ran, and doesn't like to talk while running...just the perfect race support buddy! The first six miles we mostly ran, with some walking interspersed for recovery and stretching. Even the Rudee Inlet bridge wasn't near as troublesome as I thought it would be. Miles 7 and 8 we mostly walked. This was on Camp Pendleton and was mostly in the sun. The distance between mile markers started to feel longer and longer, so by the time we reached mile 10 I was really losing my enthusiasm. We had allowed ourselves to think we might finish in three hours (and Amy could have) but the last four miles killed that for me. I've heard it said and now believe it to be true, each of those last miles seems longer than the last! Finally, with about 3/4 of a mile to go, Amy sprinted to the finish. I began jogging again, feet burning and lower back aching, and the strains of Tom Petty's "Mary Jane" reaching me from the finish line. I really was going to finish this, I realized!

Crossing the finish line was a bit anticlimactic, but it was enough to get that bottle of water and a medal around my neck...I had done it! I found Amy again, she congratulated me, and we walked to the family area to meet some of the rest of our housemates. We listened to the music for a while (one of the better bands that I heard, Vinyl Headlights) and then headed back toward the beach house. Along the way a church group had set up for free foot wash/massages, so we stopped for that. What a welcome treat that was. Finally, we arrived back at the house to the cheers of the remainder of the group. We sat and received more foot massages from our race support team member (she didn't run, but she cheered and had snacks and rubbed our feet!) and talked about our experiences from the day. All in all, an unforgettable triumph for me. I am so glad I did it. And even though I kept saying yesterday, "Never again!", I find myself now thinking, "What if I actually trained? I could do the Marine Corps Historic Half, couldn't I?" Somebody, slap me!

20 years ago

2009-08-27T10:39:00.006-04:00

20 years ago, I was reconsidering the course of my life. I wasn't happy with my salary, I wasn't happy with my love life, and I was feeling the need for some change.

I had moved back to Norfolk from Houston, a little over a year after my father died and we settled his 'estate' (paid off the bills, sold the house, sold the boat, split up the stuff...) I was working in a law office, and while I made good friends there, I never cared for the stuffy environment as compared to the "we're all in this together" style of working that I had experienced in Houston. I was working a lot of overtime. I had a cute little duplex near the Chesapeake Bay and a dog and a cat.

One of the things I considered at this time was moving to DC and working with some attorneys that I had known in Houston. They took me to lunch, and I scouted possible areas to live based on an estimated salary for a legal secretary in DC. While I was intrigued at the possibility of working with these guys (we all got along great), the DC life didn't appeal. I'd just left a big city and while it was fun for a while, I was over it.

So, I declined that opportunity. Then I briefly considered the military, as a way of getting an education. I distinctly remember talking to my mother about this, along with her tips on changing my diet to lower my cholesterol (my father had died in '86, massive heart attack.)

But a few days later I was asked by a co-worker if I would be willing to go on a blind date. Her husband had three buddies who wanted dates for the Hawkeye Ball. The Hawkeye is the E2C, the "eyes" of the aircraft carrier, first planes out, last retrieved. The guys were getting home from a six month cruise the day of the ball. And that's how I met my future husband. And why I didn't join the military. (Really, I considered that...?!)

This comes up because Rebecca recently asked how I'd met her dad. And it had dawned on me earlier this summer, that was 20 years ago. It is incredible to me that so much time has passed. And Rebecca has asked me, "Are you sorry you married Daddy?" Well of course not. We shared some real adventures together, and have a beautiful and loving daughter who is well on her way to becoming a pretty amazing young adult.

It all leads us to where we are now. No regrets. But wow, 20 years ago...

Summer of Love

2009-08-18T16:21:00.005-04:00

This will probably read more like a rambling than a coherent blog post.

Just a coincidence that this year marks the 40th anniverary of the quintessential lovefest, Woodstock. Didn't make sense to struggle with something so insignificant as the title of this blog post, so there it is.

Feeling very alive lately. Nerves right at the top of my skin. Awareness heightened to a ridiculous level: words mean more, music affects me more profoundly, and tears come more easily. My heart feels very open right now. And on top of all of this, I feel calm. Peaceful. Nothing significant has happened. I noticed a difference earlier in the summer, like I'd turned some kind of emotional corner. Hard to explain, but the feeling has held in any case. And yes, this does sound a lot like the "twitterpated" feeling discussed in the spring. I suppose in a way that's what this is, but more twitterpated with life, living, and love (not the sappy stuff, the real stuff, the enduring love of real connections...)

I do know this: I have connected and reconnected with so many extraordinary people and friends over the summer.

SUUSI, of course, is always an experience in connections. No need to go into that again, but it definitely grounded me and gave me a renewed sense of self.

The reunion in Norfolk was almost magical. Friends and acquaintances I hadn't seen in over 30 years, all together for a weekend at a beach house. We exchanged stories, memories, joys and sorrows. We came together from all the different places we'd been scattered, both geographically and in our life's journeys; we have different political views, different religious backgrounds, and yet we enjoyed food, drink, music and dancing, and came away with a renewed sense of where we come from and a deeper connection to each other. Now there is talk of making this an annual event. I hope so.

And at home, in our little town, it seems that some fences are being mended, and misunderstandings forgiven. There have been many occasions for deep connections and strengthening of friendships. Even the most cynical among us has felt the love. I can't attribute it to anything specific. But I do know that it makes me happy. I have friends in my life who 'get' me, and that is priceless. They recognize things in me that I forget, and they remind me. They gently encourage me to be kinder to myself, to love myself. And I am so very grateful.

And I know, the one constant in our lives is change. Impermanance. Nothing lasts forever. I'm about to turn 50. Not sure what the future holds. All the more reason, then, to embrace the now. My heart is open, my mind is open, and nothing really matters but right now.

My Summer Vacation

2009-08-01T12:36:00.005-04:00

The dog days of summer have arrived. This area has been blessed with great weather this summer, so we were bound to pay eventually. Fortunately, the weather stayed amazingly nice through our vacation at SUUSI (Southeast Unitarian Universalist Summer Institute) at Radford. It was downright chilly at night, my three hikes were all very comfortable, and when it did rain it was brief and welcome.

This was our second year at SUUSI. It was our first staying in separate dorms, and I have to say, I am very proud of Rebecca. Even though she had a 1 a.m. curfew and most of her friends stayed out/up as late as they possibly could (some stayed in the common room all night long), she had the good sense to get to bed by midnight most nights. Good to know she has her own mind and doesn't feel the need to follow the crowd. I hope that remains to be a part of her character. She had a great time, cultivated some old and new friendships, and was completely thrilled with participating in Teens Way Off Broadway. She even took a Making Truffles workshop (they were yummy!) My dorm experience was great: my room mate and I got along famously, our suitemates were nice and very considerate...I barely noticed we were sharing a bathroom with them. We stayed in a quiet hall, so sleeping was never a problem. And most nights we could sleep with the windows open, thanks to the cool temperatures.

I enjoyed my time immensely. I was in a very mellow, calm mood, which made for a very positive experience. I worked in the nursery for part of the time, and really enjoyed holding the babies and generally helping out with lots of other amazing volunteers. What a well-run operation (SUUSI in general, and the youth program in particular.) I also participated in the Fun Run (run by friend Bill Brooks) and finished, approx. a 13 min. mile. Good enough, but I wouldn't call it fun...

The three hikes I participated in were all enjoyable and unique in their own way. The first was to the Falls of Dismal. Beautiful area, but a very short hike to the falls, so several of us went on to hike on a path above the falls and saw some beautiful scenery and had some nice conversations.

The next hike originated at Mountain Lake, the site where much of Dirty Dancing was filmed. There was a fog on this morning, which made the temps very nice. We hiked a fairly steep path (had to rest several times) up to Bald Knob, which I believe is one of the highest points in this part of Virginia.
Unfortunately, our view was obstructed by the fog, but still an exhilarating accomplishment. We went on from there and hiked to Bear Cliffs. This was a gorgeous area, and I was fortunate to be walking with a woman well-versed in botany, which helped in identifying many of the plants along the way.Bear Cliffs is a fairly treacherous area, with deep chasms and large crags of rock. Most of the rock is very slippery, and two in our party took a fall. Not an area to be treated lightly.

Amazingly, one of our party had just turned 80 in February. While his going was slow, he accomplished the hike and we were all supportive and encouraging. Good for him!! The highlight of the nature portion of my SUUSI experience was the Travertine Falls Silent Hike. The hike was conceived by one of the Nature staff, Dave Shellman. He had experienced a hike last year during which one participant talked non-stop. He thought it might be nice to lead a hike that was based on silence, immersing the participants in their surroundings. Well, it was a huge hit. Everyone who signed up did so specifically because it was billed as 'silent.' We determined the parameters (no talking zone, time to meet back, etc.) and were on our way.

Oh, the things you can see when you have the freedom to be silent, stop, sit, go back, and contemplate. Truly a wonderful experience, and the bonding seemed even more deep without the talking. Thanks, Dave.
The rest of my time at SUUSI remained fairly open. Outside of set dining times (which were very accommodating) I had no real agenda. I attended a few theme talks and worship services, always a great experience and very grounding, I attended several of the concerts (great talent there), and did a little shopping at the SUUSI store and Artisan's Bazaar. In the afternoons we would gather in the quad for community time, sharing our thoughts on the day, the services, the weather, and just generally enjoying each other. Our circle invariably grew, as folks stopped by to say hello, and we all made new friends this way. We would often gather back in this area after dinner, and on a couple of occasions talked and laughed (oh how we laughed!) into the night.

And several nights I would end up at Serendipity, for cocktails and dancing. One night as I walked home, I came upon a labyrinth that had been set up by a participant, lined with white lights. I dropped my shoes and walked the labyrinth, enjoyed the coolness and moisture of the grass, and welcoming the tranquility of 1 a.m., after the thumping of the music and dancing. Lovely way to end the night.

When it was time to come home, Rebecca and I were both ready. We loved the week and we look forward to next year. But home is a good place to be. I've always felt that vacation is good for that...helping me to appreciate home. There's no place like home. See you next year, SUUSI...thanks for the wonderful week and unforgettable moments.

Life Is Good

2009-07-17T09:36:00.005-04:00

Life in general is pretty darn good. Things at work are a little busier, which helps me feel more productive and valuable. Social life has been very busy, always picks up in the summer. Lots of fun with friends, and lots of good music. Romantic life remains static, but that has a tendency to work out best when I don't pay it a lot of attention. Rebecca is enjoying her summer, a good combination so far of busy times interspersed with down time. She's a great help around the house and a joy to live with! Meanwhile, ...

...we're heading out for our second annual trip to Radford to attend SUUSI: Southeastern Unitarian Universalist Summer Institute -- church camp. But not just any church camp. For seven days, UUs from all over the country (and some from outside the country...) gather together to share joys, sorrows, fun, worship, discussions, music, dancing, art, and community. For those seven days, we will be the only folks on the Radford campus besides the summer staff.

Last year, I took a yoga class and did one hike. I attended a couple of worship services (done by some of the who's who of UU) and did a whole lot of late night tipping and dancing. Rebecca and I roomed together in the family dorm, and we both made new friends and had a great time.

This year, I plan to do a fun run and three hikes, and am working in the nursery part-time. Rebecca will be staying in the teen dorm with a friend she made last year, and I will be staying in the adult dorm :) We are both looking forward to the freedom and fun.

SUUSI has been the answer to what has been a difficult decision for us each year: what to do for vacation that engages both of us and allows us each to have fun with folks in our peer groups. It is perfect. Life is good.

Charlie Bean

2009-07-10T11:02:00.005-04:00

And speaking of friendship, just heard from my old friend Chuck yesterday. Chuck and I go back to high school, Norview High School in Norfolk, VA. He dated one of my best friends. He was one of my best friends, too. We knew he had a temper, since one night after he and Denise fought he put a hole in the bedroom door where she was staying at my dad's house. Dad was none too happy about it. Chuck was one of those whose mouth and temper got the better of him when he was drinking.

Chuck also lived in Houston for part of the time I was there. We lived in the same apartment complex. I remember one night, after having a few (okay, several) drinks at the bar next door (I believe it was called Amore...), we started walking home in the rain. We ran into someone I knew, and we started chatting. Apparently Chuck stepped into some mud, but whatever the case, the whole time I was chatting with the neighbor, I could hear Chuck floundering around in the bushes, and I'm chatting as though nothing in the world is wrong. The neighbor moved on, and Chuck and I laughed our asses off all the way back to our apartments.

Anyhow, about 11 years ago Chuck got himself into trouble. This wasn't his first brush with the law, but it's the one that put him into jail for 20 years. Apparently his temper and drinking set him off once again, and he drew a knife on some guy at a party. Bad enough, but when the cops came, Chuck brandished the knife at one of them. You just don't do that. So, Chuck has been bouncing around between various Virginia correctional facilities, depending on how well he behaves. He's currently not too far away (near Farmville) and I may try to go and see him.

Meanwhile, Chuck's daughter has grown to be a young lady of 15. She hardly knows her dad, he hardly knows her; in fact, he hasn't seen her in a year. Chuck wrote that his mom is coming to visit, and will be bringing his daughter with her. I am so glad he gets to see them both.

Do I feel sorry for Chuck? Yes, I kind of do. He never got the help he needed, and he wasn't enlightened enough to know how to get it. He'll never get that help in the system. He will supposedly get out in nine more years. Wow. I can't imagine losing 20 years of my life, not seeing my daughter grow up, realizing my mother is old and has serious health problems, not seeing my siblings, or my friends. I know he 'brought this on himself', but I also know his problems were fixable, and I think it's a shame he will have served 20 years, when there are so many out on the street now who have done so much worse than Chuck did.

So, I heard from "my favorite convict" (as Chuck likes to call himself) yesterday, and I owe him a letter, possibly a visit. He's still my friend, Bean as I used to call him (short for Charlie Bean, not sure why...) See you soon, Chuck.

Fickled Fate of Friendship

2009-07-07T13:39:00.004-04:00

It's about friendship. You see, I'm a sensitive girl. I know, I don't come off that way, that's a defense mechanism, and you know it. But some friendships really matter to me. So when a friend goes away or disappears, I tend to feel a tad blue and worry what happened. I know, don't take it personally. But what if it *does* have something to do with me? I think I'd like to know. I think I'd want to make amends and/or talk it out. When we're not given that explanation, then the ends are left hanging, dangling out there. That's unpleasant. I'm a believer in open, honest communication. I don't like games, or mixed messages, or unanswered questions. It makes me feel confused and frustrated, and sad. Ugh.

But on another note, also to do with friendship, I have some amazing friends. Spent an excellent weekend with lots of them, old and new. Come Monday I was exhausted, but it was a lot of fun right up through midnight Sunday. And my daughter had a fun weekend with a friend and her family at Westmoreland, so Sunday night when we finally got together again, she was all chatty about her weekend, and we talked and talked, just like friends. Obviously I love my daughter; but I also really, really like her. She is turning into a pretty awesome human being, and I am so very blessed to have her in my life.

Organizational Therapy

2009-07-01T11:37:00.002-04:00

I'm a neat person by nature. I've always been a 'picker upper' -- I don't like clutter, it makes me feel muddled and out of control. So, I pick up and put away...a lot. When people come to my home, they usually make some comment about how clean my house is, and I always correct them. Because my house isn't clean; I hate to clean. But I'm usually putting things in their place, which gives the appearance of clean. And I'm okay with that.

One of the things I thought I might do as a side business involves helping people get rid of the clutter in their lives. I would call it Organizational Therapy, because it can be therapeutic to get rid of clutter. However, I realized that helping someone get rid of clutter can be a delicate matter. You have to be very aware that their clutter has meaning to them, and getting rid of it can be a slow and sometimes painful process. So, I shelved (pardon the pun) that idea for a business, because I need a better awareness into people's psyche than I actually have.

So, I stick to my own clutter. And I realized, when I started blogging, that writing is my mental clutter clearing: putting the jumbled thoughts on paper is my way of clearing out the clutter. Kind of like making a list when you have so many things to do you feel like your head is going to explode. Putting it all down on paper helps ease that feeling that your brain is bulging at the seams. At least it does for me.

And this morning my head is a jumble. Some of the words tumbling around today: friendships, relationships, competition, jealousy, caring, laughter, solitude, sharing, withdrawing, understanding, misunderstanding, wanting, fearing, asking, telling, listening, hearing, healing, growing, aging, breathing, thinking, overthinking.

Whew, that feels better.

Serendipitous

2009-06-22T12:43:00.014-04:00

What a whirlwind weekend! I attended Operafest at UMW on Friday night; that was a real treat: a good exposure to opera with some incredible talent, not the least of which was my co-worker AJ, who belted out some major high Cs. Truly a pleasure to have experienced this. Saturday held a trip to Frederick, MD, chronicled below, and Sunday evening I attended the wedding of two very dear friends.

I spent a leisurely morning on Saturday with Rebecca, topped off mid-day by an impulsive trip to get pedicures...nice! All morning, though, I was trying to get a companion for my trip to Frederick, MD, to hear Bob Sima at Frederick Cellars. A folk musician with insightful, soulful, and upbeat lyrics and a beautifully smooth voice, I had first heard Bob at a Songwriters' Showcase at Pickers. Several house concerts later, I'm a huge fan and plan to have Bob with a full band at my 50th celebration. All attempts at finding a travel companion failed, and I must admit my heart wasn't really in the trip when I set out. It didn't help that traffic 2/3 of the way was virtually stopped. I finally checked into my room at about 5:30, which gave me very little time to take the nap I had so been hoping for. Deciding that I needed to get my bearings in town, I checked in with Rebecca and then headed into town.

Coming into Frederick from the direction I did was kind of like coming into Fredericksburg from R0ute 2/Mayfair area. You see the signs for Historic Frederick and Frederick Fairgrounds. Pretty uneventful. It soon became apparent to me, however, that this was a special little town. Now, anyone who knows me knows I don't like favorites/bests/superlatives in general. I know we have a great little town, but I know there are thousands just as special all over the country. Frederick is one of these. Like Fredericksburg/Savannah/Carytown all rolled into one, Frederick is a wonderful blend of diverse shopping, restaurants, and people, with a unique history and an obvious sense of pride in the town. But more than anything, it was a feast for the eyes.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I located Frederick Cellars, where I planned to hear Bob Sima play. Since I was early, I wandered about town, cursing myself for not bringing my camera: it was apparent to me that there were so many things to take pictures of, and I determined to come back in the morning to do just that.

Anyhow, back at the Cellars, I ordered a glass of wine and sat at the wine bar. Almost immediately, Bob pulled up. He brought his equipment in, and we chatted for a bit. Folks began coming in, and of course Bob knew many of them from previous engagements. Since I was alone, he introduced me to several folks, and they promptly had me join them. Helen, Ralph, Janis, and Don were very open and friendly; we were soon joined by Nancy and Mike. The music ensued, and it was fun and beautiful. Bob is very engaging and interacts well with his audience. He played from 7:30 to 10, and all too soon it was over. Bob mixed with everyone for a few minutes, and we all said our goodbyes, since Frederick Cellars closed at 10. I met four other long-time fans of Bob's, and they were making plans for a late dinner. Bob invited me along, so the six of us set out for Brewers' Alley.
Housed in what was the old city hall building, this three story all brick establishment was obviously a popular night spot. Fortunately, we were able to get a table on the patio, and were quickly ordering pizza (white and hawaiin) and beers. The evening was beautiful, the food was delicious, and the company was great. We wandered back to our cars, and the entire time I was making mental notes hoping to remember where we were so I could come back and take pictures. We all said our goodbyes, and I went back to the hotel and crashed. I determined I would skip the continental breakfast and sleep in. I did just that, and woke up smiling and hungry, ready to explore.

It was a nice morning, not sunny but also not hot, with a good breeze blowing. Although I was very hungry, I found myself wandering and taking pictures...I'd know the right place when I found it. Scene after scene jumped out in front of me, and I had to delete pictures several times in order to get other shots. At least four different times I would find myself, quite by accident, exactly where I wanted to be for the next shot.

This wandering landed me in front of Pretzel and Pizza Creations, where I ended up having the best (yes, I said best!) breakfast sandwich I have ever experienced.

It was perfect. The entire morning was perfect. Serendipitous, I dare say. I realized that I was supposed to come to Frederick alone. It just wouldn't have been the same had I been accompanied. It truly was one of the best outings I have had in a long time, and Frederick now holds special memories for me, as well as the promise of future trips and visits to shops and restaurants yet unexplored. I highly recommend Frederick for a weekend outing, I don't think you'll be disappointed!

And so it goes...

2009-06-16T15:32:00.004-04:00

Looking forward to what has become an annual (third) trek to Topsail Island with four fun ladies. Rebecca will be on her science trip to Florida, rooming with three other girls, and they are non-stop scheduled...it should be a blast for her, but I know she'll be exhausted after! One of the other parents kindly offered to take her to Dulles along with his child, thank goodness because they need to be up there before six a.m.!! So while she's having her fun, I get to have my fun...sun, seafood, cocktails, reading, and sleep, with some lively banter mixed in, can't wait!

So, my girl is moving on to high school next year -- wow. It really does fly by, this time stuff. But I'm loving every minute of it. I have friends who are mourning the loss of the innocence, etc. as their children grow up, but I don't look at it that way. It's been a fun ride, and she is exactly where she is supposed to be, good for her (and good for me!)

My brother has a court date on 6/18 to see if they will uphold the restraining order against him. It's ridiculous: my brother is not and never was a violent person, never got in fights, abhors violence, took him years to allow himself to even hunt (only justified it by using as much of the kill as possible...) He has not been able to go home, see his cat, get clothes. It's a terrible mess, and so unnecessary. Wish he wasn't so far away, it isn't easy for his family to feel so helpless and not be able to support him. And meanwhile the almost ex-wife has gotten more and more bitter and angry, lashing out by trying to take even more from him, rather than realizing the marriage is over and he is being very supportive by continuing to cover her huge medical expenses, a house free and clear, and tens of thousands on top of that so that she can focus on her health.

Ugh.

Life on a personal level is fine, still a little confusing at times on the social front but I'm learning (and I mean this at all levels of socializing...) I will never understand the motivation of some folks, but so it goes.

Summer is in full swing, concerts, picnics, outings near and far, and it should be a lot of fun. I am looking forward to our excursion to Radford and hikes in the surrounding area, most especially. A week with folks from all over the country (and other countries) gathered together to laugh, discuss, relax, have fun, and make memories -- it's a beautiful thing!

Here's to moving forward, ever forward, with no regrets and with optimism for what lies ahead. Happy summer adventures to all!

Weary and befuddled...

2009-06-11T10:50:00.004-04:00

Lots of stuff going through my mind lately.

I have a couple of friends who are in different stages of loving and losing. We had a conversation the other night about who had it better, they who have recently experienced a deep connection and are now faced with the loss of it, or me who, in spite of a few minor forays, have yet to experience that depth of friendship and passion that I long to have with a partner.

And then there is the whole dating thing. Geez. I KNEW there was a reason I didn't want to meet someone I liked: it opens up a whole package of emotions that I've managed to keep tightly wrapped and hidden. I am forced to consider who I am, what I want, what I'm willing to give, what I'm willing to accept. I feel like I'm back in high school, with all those insecure thoughts that swirl about. You try not to overthink things, you try to go with the flow, but the questions surface.

It's so much easier to be alone, not worry about the interactions, the should/shouldn't, too much/too little of it all. But then, is it better to be alone? It's kind of lonely. . .

I suppose what's bothering me the most is that I'm almost 50, I've been separated/divorced for six years now, and there isn't much on the horizon for me on a personal level. I'll be working for the next 17 years, during which time my daughter will finish high school and move on to college. Deep down, I'm aware that I have not given up on the idea of finding a partner to share those years with, but at times I feel it will be ever elusive. And I try so hard not to go to that place that asks "Is it me? What is wrong with me?"

Yeah, weary and befuddled. This too shall pass.

What's Not to Like?

2009-05-30T09:38:00.002-04:00

So, a friend and I went to see Little Feat last night. I had never seen them live, so was looking forward to it, knowing of course it would never be the same as seeing them while Lowell George was alive. We weren't certain about the weather, but after a storm pushed through and it cooled off some, we were optimistic. After a little tour of Silver City (aka Celebrate Virginia) we found the Celebrate Virginia Live section of town. Parking was a mini adventure, with several folks spinning their wheels in beautiful red mud. The parking attendants got a little smarter, and had us park where there was more grass, and Bill backed the car in.

We ran into friends on the way in, and after catching up briefly, were on our way to will call. A friend was kind enough to give me two free tix, so we picked these up and were on our way. We picked our way through some mud, saw more friends, and made our way through the crowd to stake our claim. At this point it became very apparent that we were in for a little mini Woodstock: mud, hippies (albeit the 21st century variety), and some very drunk (or something) music lovers. Even if the music sucked, this was going to be fun!

Found a decent spot, set up our chairs, and then stood in line for beer tickets and then beer. As we sat back down, the folks immediately in front of us were getting a bit raucous, and one guy threw beer all over the girl next to him. One person in their group was pissed, but the girls behind them were even more so, and promptly moved. This gave us the equivalent to a bulkhead seat, with no one directly in front of us, which meant more people used this area as a walkway, and gave us even more to look at.

Which brings me to the crowd. Wow, a feast for the eyes. Young hippie type girls doing hoola hoop (and very well, and not just around their waists), old hippies wandering around with that vague expression in their eyes, obviously reliving their youth and glad to be there, grandparents with small children -- it was the full gambit. I saw women my age, missing several teeth and fully made up (seriously, quite the contrast) strutting (or was it staggering?) about and thoroughly enjoying themselves.

Bill and I watched, sipped, and chatted. The music started, and I have to say I was underwhelmed. It vaguely sounded like Little Feat, but lacked the crispness and clarity that were such trademarks of their sound. It ended up being more like a beer party with music accompaniment than a concert, but it was still a fun time. After about six songs and on-again, off-again rain, we decided to head to the car. About halfway there, the rain came down harder and we were very glad we'd made the decision to head out. Bill eased the car out of the spot with no problem, and we were on our way.

It was a good time, and I'm glad we went. As a friend said to me today: music, mud, beer, and rednecks -- what's not to like?

Five Days of Family

2009-05-26T13:07:00.002-04:00

Rebecca and I went down to Florida last Thursday. We surprised my mom for her 70th birthday, and the surprise went off without a hitch. Rebecca and I hid in the restroom of the restaurant where mom and my step-dad were to meet my sister and her family. When they got in and got settled, we came out of the bathroom singing Happy Birthday, and the rest of the family joined in. Mom had her back to us, and turned around smiling (she thought it was the wait staff singing...), and then her eyes grew wide as she realized who we were. Big hugs all around, and then we had a great dinner and laughed and talked. Rebecca actually did a little video of the surprise part, but I was having trouble loading it so will try to do that again later. It's kind of funny, but I think mostly mom will appreciate it.

Timing worked out so that we were able to attend my nephew's graduation from high school the next day. It was a long afternoon, but worth it to see his face when he saw us all up there together supporting him. Then out for another great dinner.

During this time Rebecca and I stayed at my sister's home in Deland, FL. She and her husband are going through some tough times financially, but are seeing light at the end of the tunnel. They'll come out just fine, I'm confident. They have one more child to graduate, next year, and then will be empty-nesters. Wow.

On Saturday, my sister and her husband had more company come, in the form of his brother along with his wife and their daughter and new son-in-law. Along with a niece who had arrived the same day we did, this made for a nice little family get-together/get to know each other gathering. Lots of food, drink, and laughter ensued. Then Rebecca and I went back to mom's to spend the night. We enjoyed breakfast out with them, and then I spent an hour or so by the pool before getting ready for the trip home.

All in all, it was a great weekend of family and fun. The only real damper was when I spoke with my brother on Saturday afternoon. I was able to get more information regarding the distressing situation between he and my sister-in-law. While it is too personal to go into here, I will say that he is truly suffering and hurting right now. His wife has isolated herself from her own family and will not discuss anything with them. In spite of my brother giving her, free and clear, a house, $20,000, and full medical coverage for her mounting health problems, she is determined to get more, and to insist on pushing him into lifestyle changes he has made clear he wants no part of. Hence, the arguing that led to her filing for a restraining order against him. He has never harmed his wife, never lifted a hand to her. But she is desperate, and is resorting to desperate measures. Despite her recent actions, he is still willing to give her more money and make sure her medical care is taken care of, but she seems bent on pushing for a divorce and getting even more out of him. It is a bad situation, and not likely to get better any time soon. My heart breaks for my brother, and for my sister-in-law, and we all feel helpless as they struggle through this.

Turmoil

2009-05-14T12:31:00.002-04:00

This one will not be easy. I'll say in advance, I'm posting this here because it needs to be put down. Feel free to comment, I welcome insight, but probably won't want to talk about it.

Back story: my brother lives in Reno, NV. He is 53. He ended up out west back in the late 70s. That in itself has a long story, and here's the quick version. Dropped out of high school, had a couple of jobs, got in trouble, lost one of his best friends to a tragic accident during a camping trip, took off on a bus (never forget that day) to New Mexico, where he worked and lived for a while (and oh how I wish I'd saved the letters he wrote...), eventually came back and apprenticed as an electrician. After retiring from the Navy, my father had started a company that would be doing work overseas (in Iran, just before the hostage crisis), and my brother signed up. This was amazing, as up until this time their relationship had been very, very rocky. This working together proved to be a very good healing time for them, and my brother matured. Unfortunately, during this time my parents' marriage dissolved, and my father came home to try to salvage things. My brother witnessed the anguish my father experienced, and thus began a rift between he and my mother. This was especially upsetting, since they had up until then been very, very close. Not long after dad and my brother returned from Iran, my brother decided to load up his truck (a 56 Chevy pick-up he had named Rosebud, shift on the column) and drive west. His girlfriend invited herself along (she was escaping something else entirely) and he agreed. They lived in Gillette, WY for about nine years, and ultimately moved to Reno for better jobs.

At some point in this relationship, brother and g.f. married. It was an uneasy relationship in many ways. She became a Jehovah's Witness, and my brother is pretty much agnostic. He likes to drink, and she viewed the drinking as a problem (and one she was trying to fix by witnessing to him often.) At one point they separated, and she called me and told me more things about my brother than I cared to know (including how rough he was during sex.) Then they reconciled and made a second go of things. Unfortunately, the problems ran deep and they ultimately separated again. During this time, the wife was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis (her mother had ultimately died from complications of this disease and it's treatment) and she needed medical care, but was not insured. So, they came to an agreement which involved not finalizing the divorce so that she could stay covered under my brother's health insurance. Then things became so bad (complications from mediation) that my brother agreed that she live in the house with him again, so that he could help take care of her.

Well, yesterday my mom called. I could tell by her voice it was something upsetting. It seems my brother was served with a restraining order yesterday at work. Mom was able to get out of him that they had an argument over the weekend (the same as always, her confronting him about drinking and trying to witness to him, and him getting angry and telling her to leave it alone), but we don't know the extent of what happened. So, now he is not allowed to go home; to the home that he had opened up to her so he could help during her medical complications. He had a friend staying there who recently separated from his wife, and now he can't go back either.

The rest of the family is out here not knowing what to think; we don't know the extent of their argument, we don't know if she has reason to be concerned for her safety, or if this is another manipulation on her part (and there have been many) to control his behavior. It is hard being this far removed, both physically and through the passage of time. Obviously we want to reach out to him, but there is always the possibility that his reactions to her attempts to 'help' him were indeed angry, maybe violent. Difficult to consider.

Time will certainly tell.

Cue Euphoria

2009-05-13T08:52:00.003-04:00

You've got to read this guy: http://windinyourvagina.blogspot.com/

Excerpt: "So I did it. I started running again. And let me just warn you that your body doesn’t really care about how you used to run. I ran 17 miles last week and it was like climbing Everest. But, somehow, in spite of the pain and the panting, I found that part of me that used to love it. There’s a place, and you usually have to go longer than a half hour to get it, where your body kinda says “Fuck it. He’s not gonna stop and everything’s starting to hurt. Cue euphoria!” and there’s this whole layer of yourself that drops away. That bitchy veneer of you that moans and whines and complains just gives up and the python in your head suddenly dies of unknown causes and turns into butterflies or some other poetry shit."

That one line, you know, the one that starts with, "Fuck it..."? That's the mantra that needs to keep going through my head. This guy needs to be my running coach, seriously.

I hadn't run in a couple of weeks (you know, the rain, cuz I'm a wimp and it is so easy to talk myself out of doing something I really don't want to do...), but I decided to try yesterday, but it hurt. My ankles and my shins hurt. So I walked some more, thinking I needed more of a warm-up than I already had; then I tried to run again...but it hurt. I did this about three more times, and then said, "Fuck it..." but the sentence ends differently than the one above. Because I ended up walking for an hour, and gave up on the running. And the whole time I'm thinking, "Well, walking the half marathon would still be an accomplishment, right?" This whole conversation in my head, fueled by the ever-present guilt that comes from god-knows-where that seems to plague me no matter WHAT I do...but I digress.

So then I come in this morning and I read Black Hockey Jesus's post, and it's a sign. I have to do this. I have to keep running. I have to push myself, push my body, and achieve this goal. Ugh.

Anyone want to run w/me tonight? It'll be fun, I swear. "Cue euphoria!"

Just need to put it down, not angry, but...

2009-05-11T09:52:00.003-04:00

...I'm a little frustrated. Previous conversations regarding stereotypes and judgment have left me wondering what the heck is going on. Why is it that the things that make folks feel a part of a group and 'unique' to that group are the very things that put them on the defensive and even cause hurt feelings? Why is it that folks don't like to be pigeon-holed or qualified, and yet possess certain traits/phrases/habit they feel are exclusively 'theirs' (I believe one friend's friend termed it self-segregation.) I've been put in my place with little comments with regard to all of this, and I'm mildly annoyed. What happened to the melting pot that is America? Why insist on letting me know that I've somehow judged you (which I have not), and at the same time let me know that I can't understand because it's a (fill-in-the-blank) thing. Whatever. Maybe I can understand. Maybe I don't speak your language, but I am not immune to your exclusive remarks that attempt to keep me out of your loop. What do you know about me? What do you know about where I come from, how I grew up, what I've experienced, what makes me who I am today? Before getting your hackles up, please do us all the favor of checking your own pre-judgments and self-segregation. You'd be surprised how much we all have in common, and the differences we have are what make us who we are...in a good way. Why can't we all just get along...

Judgment Day

2009-04-30T14:32:00.002-04:00

This is an email I wrote recently to a friend during an ongoing conversation about judgment and classism, spurred on most recently by a blog post at http://Robgwrites.wordpress.com (hey, spell check doesn't recognize classism...it 'should'...or maybe I spelled it wrong!):

We are talking about the same thing and on the same side, believe it or not. I was raised not to judge people based on the very things you're talking about, and my father was the anti-bigot, made sure we didn't pass judgment. So I was almost afraid to say I didn't like someone (for some real reason, like they were leering at me lustily with dishonorable intention) for fear it would be misinterpreted as racism, or whatever.

As I said, I was raised blue collar by a beer drinking, whiskey swilling, smoking, womanizing father (I can't say anything about my mom, she's got her issues, but nothing that applies to this conversation) who was funny, fun, and loved by almost everyone he met. He raised me to be confident and proud of myself, no matter what I did with my life.

I was the first grandchild on my father's side of the family to graduate high school, and didn't take college courses until I was about 30. I married a man who, ten years into the marriage, told me he knew from the very beginning that his parents wouldn't like me, because in their eyes I
wasn't good enough for him. His parents never asked me anything about me or my family, didn't care to know.

And yet, because I was married to a Naval officer, I was often pointedly (I mean in my face, in a checkout line) sneered at because of it (as if I thought somehow I was better because of who I married...I never gave a shit that he was an officer, didn't even know they were different than enlisted until I met him, and my dad was Navy for 20 years!) I felt defensive, and wanted to wear a sign that said, "You don't know me or where I come from, so don't judge me!" One night at a ball (full dress, long gowns) I was drinking a beer (out of a bottle) and I overheard another wife whisper, "Someone should get her a glass." As if!

Contrast this with the folks back home in Norfolk (looked down upon in general by many in Virginia, and I defend it like it were my own child), who at one point implied that I thought I was too good for them, simply because I left home and went out into the world and saw and did things. When I came back years later, they realized I was basically the same person, but still.

I have struggled all my life not to care about the fact that I didn't have a college eduation, or that my degree, when I did get one, is 'only' an AA in Japanese Studies and nothing more lofty. It encroaches into my dating life, when I find myself figuring I'm not good enough for someone because they are more educated or hold a 'better' job.

...we're all just human and we make judgments (like it or not) based on our life experiences. I've got folks who live near me right now who are considered redneck or even white trash, and my daughter is friends with one of the kids there. I have no issue with these folks in general, but when the one guy w/the souped up car starts squealing up and down Naomi Drive (and not just once, but for 30 minutes at a time) to the point where I can't sit on my patio and hear the person directly across from me when we're talking, well, I get a little pissed off...more at the lack of
consideration for other folks than anything. I try to base my judgment on how folks treat me and how they treat others.

This is Your Brain on Hormones

2009-04-23T13:25:00.005-04:00

Tuesday I got a call from the dentist's office confirming Rebecca's appointment. Yes, I said, we'll be there. Now, I already had this appointment on my calendar (because I am organized and way ahead of the game.) But just to be sure, I open my Groupwise calendar to Wednesday, but it's not there (stay w/me.) So, I enter the appointment for 3, and tell Rebecca when she calls me that I'll be picking her up right after she gets of the bus the next day to get to the appointment on time. Then, being ever efficient, I email my co-workers and tell them I'll be leaving early on Thursday (seriously, stay w/me) to take Rebecca to her appointment.

So, yesterday, at about 2:30, I remember I'm leaving at 3. I leave here and arrive home just after Rebecca. I am proud of myself for the good timing. We even stop to give the lab across the street treats and check the mail.

On the way to N. Stafford going north on Route 1, I see a school bus stopped on the opposite side. I slow down, trying to remember if I am supposed to stop on a four lane highway when headed in the opposite direction. A few blasts on the bus's horn tell me, yes, I am supposed to stop, but at this point I'm abreast of the bus and drive on, muffler tucked between my tires. Then we encounter dark clouds and the subsequent large drops of rain. Wipers are now going full on fast.

We arrive at the dentist and I am able to secure 'princess parking.' We dash to the door...but it's locked. What?! Wait, maybe they moved, I mean, the last time we were here they had experienced major flooding from burst pipes. But why didn't Mary mention this when she called me on Tuesday...? I have my phone out, it's ringing, we're still standing in the rain. Mary's voice thanks me for calling Dr. Rai's office, and tells me their office hours. Closed on Wednesdays. I look at Rebecca: Crap, the appointment is tomorrow.

Okay, regroup (I'm good at this part): traffic was looking bad going south, so I suggest we head to Kohl's, do a little shopping (she for unmentionables, me for a new purse...another entire adventure in and of itself.)

Fast forward. We've just spent $80 or so on Rebecca, and nothing on me (me and purses, it's ridiculous) and are walking out the door. Can't find my keys. This is nothing new. I look again, no keys. I'm certain I've left them in the dressing room (no, I don't try on my purses, at least not in the dressing room, but I did try on a couple of...oh, never mind, it's irrelevant and was a disaster.) Anyhow, no keys there either. A bit of panic at this point; Rebecca asks if she can check my purse, and I let her because this has worked in the past. No luck. So now, we're retracing our steps through rows of panties, bras, camisoles, purses, and belts. Looking high and low, and wishing ever so much Rebecca was a toddler again so that she could have that optimal vantage point. Nothing. No keys. I tell everyone I see in the aisles that we're looking for keys. They all respond with the same knowing nod and sympathetic gaze.

We go out to the car...maybe in our haste to dash through the rain...but no; the car is unlocked, and I'm able to retrieve my cell phone, but no keys. So now we're going back in to look again amongst the lace and leather. We overhear a conversation at one of the checkout counters...someone has lost some keys. Ridiculous, I think. A couple is standing there looking befuddled -- they have been looking for over an hour for a set of keys. What are the odds? We wish each other luck, and go our separate ways in our searches.

After no luck again, we go back to customer service. No keys have been turned in; I give a description of my nondescript keys and my cell number. We head back to the car to look again for what I know is not there. Halfway to the car, I hear a woman calling, "I found your keys! You must have been using the cart I have, they were in the bottom!" She was oh so proud, and had abandoned her cart at the checkout counter to run after us. "Oh, thank you so much, but those aren't our keys...but I think I know whose they are." Crestfallen, she hands me the keys. I thank her again, saying the couple will be so relieved and I will turn them in. She walks back in with us, and I thank her yet again. I feel so bad that I've disappointed her.

As we arrive at customer service, I see the couple and hold up the keys. Oh, they are so happy! They thank me and thank me. I've done nothing, really. Then she tells me in a lilting Carribean accent, "I pray for you to find your keys too!" We smile and say goodbye, united by our recent loss and her more recent reunion.

Finally, I cave and call my friend, my hero, Lois. She has a key to the house. No problem, I'll just come pick you up, I'm on Route 3 now. Well, I say, I'm in N. Stafford. Oh... So, Lois heads to my house, I walk her through the possible places where the spare keys might be, and soon she shows up, my spare keys in hand, and saves our day.

This is my brain on hormones. Today, at 3 p.m., I will leave work and go pick up Rebecca after she gets off the bus, and we will head to her dentist appointment. Pray for me.

Back to 'Normal'

2009-04-20T12:31:00.002-04:00

Been a busy couple of weeks. First we had a friend and her two cats staying with us while her kitchen was being renovated. Then my mom came into town, so the friend went to stay with another friend, but the cats hung out at my house (mom liked that...) Mom and I had a great visit, I was able to take off of work and we took a few days to drive a part of the Crooked Road and visit Floyd, VA for music, food, and scenery. Had a few more days off here in town, mostly relaxed, had a fun mother/daughter night at Bistro Bethem, and mom got to meet and see a lot of my friends and get a taste of my life in the 'burg (which she knows I love.) During this time Rebecca was away with her dad, which went well and she had a good time, visiting museums, Longwood Gardens in PA, and attending The Lion King in NYC.

Took mom to the airport in Richmond yesterday...she got home safely, after an annoying delay in Atlanta (this is no surprise to anyone who has traveled through Atlanta!) Had a nice drive back on Route 2, listening to Prairie Home Companion and some great music by Tom Rush...wow. I'll be checking out his new CD.

So now, everything is settling in back to our normal routine. I am so glad to have Rebecca home; I am so glad mom and I had a good visit (she's great, I am very lucky); and I am so glad Rebecca and her dad had a good vacation together. Life is good right now. Have allowed myself to spend some quality time getting to know new friends and, in spite of the insecurities and self-doubt that crop up, am enjoying myself. Key to this is taking things easy and allowing the friendships to evolve naturally. No pressure, no hurry. Just glad I'm finally at this stage where I can let people in a little closer.

Writing When I'm Not Unhappy

2009-04-16T11:46:00.003-04:00

A friend told me recently I need to blog more. Trouble is, my writing is not very interesting when I'm free of troubled thoughts. At least, I don't think it's very interesting. I am not troubled right now, although I am a little jangled of late. Spring is here, and there's twitterpating all around me. Reason enough to write, I suppose. For those who don't know, twitterpated is (one of many definitions from the urban dictionary, but it originated from Bambi):

"An enjoyable disorder characterized by feelings of excitement, anticipation, high hopes, recent memories of interludes, giddiness, and physical over-stimulation which occur simultaneously when experiencing a new love. These feelings take over without warning, usually at odd times (such as at a check-out line), with or without the partner present, and make it difficult to concentrate on anything but romance. They interfere with work and safe driving, but should be experienced at least once in every person's lifetime."

Indeed, at least once in every person's lifetime. I think the definition should include something about this feeling being at once exhilarating and unnerving and just a little scary.

So, give me your stories about your twitterpating experiences. Could make for some fun writing and entertaining reading. You can remain anonymous, it's okay!

Me? Well, it's too soon to say for me. But obviously this is on my mind for a reason. Cautious and superstitious right now. But my twitterpating experiences in the past (and the very few recent ones) tell me it's a feeling I like, and at the same time causes me to ponder what is left when the twitterpating subsides. That is the real stuff, of course, but the twitterpating stage is awfully fun, so I'm inclined to give in to it again, if given the chance.

There. My April blog post. I look forward to hearing feedback on this tittilating topic (or should that be twitterpating topic?!)

Snow Days

2009-03-05T09:37:00.005-05:00

So, I know that there are folks in Florida who might love to see a good snow like we've just experienced here in Central Virginia (well, at least my sister would...) but I have to say, I'm over it. I haven't been able to get out and really exercise, and this happens to be spring break week at UMW, which means the fitness center is on limited hours (e.g., they close at 6, and I can't make that work). After the initial beautiful-ness of it all, I'd like it to go away. Now we're dealing with half melted piles of dirty, grimy snow and the accompanying sand and salt laden roads and parking lots, and tracking all that into my car and home. Ugh! I like a good old Virginia snow, where we get a decent amount that allows for a few hours of snow play, and within 24 hours it's sunny and 50 and the snow is gone!

I did get out and enjoy the snow, went for two walks, one by the river, and took some nice photos. It was beautiful.

Add the yucky conditions outside to the sinus infection inside my head, and this means little to no running training for me. Time to hit the non-homeopathic solution and get some antibiotics for this, as the constant aching, congestion, and lethargy are really getting to me.

Come on spring, I am so ready for you!

Money and Running

2009-02-27T09:02:00.002-05:00

Two topics of prevalence in my life lately. Running, because I am trying. I have worked myself up to three walk/runs per week, and cross training in between (anything from Wii Fit to the gym at UMW.) It's going well. And by 'well' I mean I have not collapsed, fallen, or injured myself. And I am trying to push myself a little further each time. I have been helped along the way by patient friends who are willing to go out with me, pushing me a little further, and supporting me when I just can't (or won't...) I have a weight loss goal and I have a goal to hopefully one day be able to go out and run three miles as a part of my maintenance program. Beyond this, I am not putting any pressure on myself. So, it's going well. (Did I mention I am very sore?)

Money: they say it isn't the answer to everything, and I know that's true, but a little more can always help. So, I took steps to refinance my mortgage and got a really great deal with 'my' mortgage company. I am very happy. This allows me to pay down some debt (and I don't have a lot of debt; I usually pay everything off monthly, which is great but also the reason I'm often cash poor at the end of the month.) Anyhow, I can pay down on my car payment and a loan from my mother, plus get some much needed things done at my townhouse. This makes me happy. So no, money isn't the answer to everything, but it sure does help at times.

Things are going reasonably well with DD. She too seems to sense that things are getting better, she's gotten into a better rhythm at school and is looking forward to high school. We still need to deal with keeping her occupied this summer, but I'm confident we'll figure that out.

I feel like the sun is coming out, I'm getting my head above water, the fog is lifting. Or maybe it's just the fact that spring is coming. Yeah, that could be it, but whatever the reason, things are looking up.

May it be so.

The Mask of Motherhood

2009-02-10T10:26:00.003-05:00

I never wanted to BE a parent. Seriously. I know that sounds awful, especially for those who want/wanted children and have not been able to. And I understand that heartache, too. When the decision was made, it took two years to conceive Rebecca; when we later decided to expand on that joy, I suffered three miscarriages over four years. That heartache is awful. But the truth of the matter is, I did not want to have children. My ex and I had heartfelt conversations about it; I felt there was too much to overcome, he felt it was our duty as responsible and reasonably intelligent adults to procreate.

I remember being in my late 20s, maybe early 30s, asking my mom, "So how do you know what to do as a parent, does it just come to you?" Bless her heart, she didn't burst out laughing at my naivete'. In fact, she looked at me with a kind of blankness and said, "No, you just do the best you can with what you know." (To her credit, this was much better advice than 'the talk': "Don't do anything stupid!")

Well, I am doing the best with what I know. And I'm realizing I don't know much. And it's so interesting when you confide your concerns to others, and they give you this knowing, over-simplified advice based on THEIR experience, and you think, "Damn, am I the only one that feels like her head is full of oatmeal when it comes to this crap?!"

So, my DD and I are treading ever closer to that place where we are moving apart. She feels like all I do is nag and criticize (not true, but there IS a lot to nag about...) and I feel like she has filled her ears with cotton and is starting to do the nod and "yes mommy" without really comprehending my appeals to her better nature.

And she is a great kid, and I am a lucky mom: she tells me she loves me and/or that I am the best mom ever several times a day, and I do believe she means it. And she makes eye contact with adults, and speaks to them respectfully, and shows an interest in things most teens could really give a flip about. And her teachers have very good things to say about her. And she handles her father's inadequacies with more maturity than he displays.

And yet, as I'm sitting in the living room, watching her walk through to the kitchen, I found myself thinking, "What the hell am I doing, being a parent? What ever made me think I was 'prepared' for this, or that I could bring a child to adulthood successfully? Who the F*#! is this woman-child that I'm struggling to 'help' on her journey? I still don't know who I am!!"

And in case you're wondering, I took no license with that previous paragraph, I really did think that, and it hit me upside my head kind of like one of those noise sticks they have at ball games...it didn't hurt, but it sure did get my attention.

Doing the best that I can, and feeling inadequate almost every step of the way. I doubt I'm alone in these feelings. But I think many of us wear the 'mask of motherhood' -- I refer to a collection of essays written by many mothers, with their unmasked, honest feelings and thoughts about being a mother, by that title. I need to read that again, if for no other reason than to feel a connectedness to my sisters who took off the mask long enough to confront their doubts and fears and share them with us. Check it out some time. And do the best that you can with what you know!

http://www.amazon.com/Mask-Motherhood-Becoming-Mother-Changes/dp/0140291784

Some days are diamonds...

2009-02-03T16:11:00.003-05:00

...some days are stones. Not sure where today falls, but it ain't no diamond. Just got a call from DD (dear daughter) that she failed her math exam and has three Cs on her report card. I don't usually get upset about Cs, especially the way Stafford County assigns letter grades, but when I know she's not doing her part, I get a tad upset. But she's upset, so first I need to deal with that; then we get to have the conversation, "Well, what do you need to do?" Ugh.

Work is slow, which always makes me feel inadequate. I'm dredging up things to do, but I'd much rather be busy with purpose. This too shall pass, especially when the position I was hired to support is filled. Remind me of this blog later when I complain about being too busy...

Haven't been exercising much, mostly due to a cold last week, and the cold outside (wind, snow, rain) but am getting back on track this week. So back to the gym tonight.

Just one of those days, nothing big; I know my daughter is a bright girl, I know how lucky I am to have a good job with good benefits close to home, and a good trip to the gym should perk my spirits up, right? Right!

(Thanks to John Denver for the opening line...)

Absence = Better!

2009-01-26T16:53:00.003-05:00

Haven't written here in a while, but that turns out to be a good thing. My holiday funk cleared, the prescription I'm taking has 'normalized' my overall mood and irritability, and I have just been busy with life.

Have done a couple of training 'runs' -- which means I've met with the training group twice; the longest I've run thus far without stopping is 1/2 a mile. And that is awesome! I love this challenge I've set for myself, and am optimistic that whatever level of fitness I achieve between now and Labor Day is fine with me. My mini goal, however, is to run a mile without a walking break by the end of February. I plan to blog my progress here, interspersed with the occasional observation of life post.

Facebook has been hopping with all kinds of 'new' friend sightings, and that has really been fun. Caught up with a friend I hadn't seen in 28 years, we spent an evening of wine, gnoshing and catching up -- great fun.

Now I'm just hoping for some snow tonight, and a snow day perhaps?!

The Year of Turning 50

2009-01-07T15:54:00.002-05:00

And so it begins. The offical year I will turn 50 years old. And I've made a goal: I have registered to participate in the Rock & Roll Half Marathon in Virginia Beach, VA on Labor Day weekend. Yes me, non-runner that I am. And I blame it on Wii Fit. My little jogs w/Wii Fit of late, combined with my need for a challenge and desire to lose weight and get more healthy this year, prompted me to take the plunge. Thanks to Lee and the rest of the team that will be training and participating together, I made the commitment yesterday and signed up. I know that I will receive a lot of encouragement and support from this group, and what fun it will be to do this with them! Rebecca is on board, hopefully will train a little with me and will definitely be there to cheer me on. On your mark, get set...egads!!

The Other Side

2009-01-02T11:19:00.002-05:00

In so many ways. Coming to the end of a two week break from work, and back to the reality of some more uncertainty there. Coming out of some rather gloomy days for me emotionally, and feeling more like myself every day. Coming into the new year with a sense of calm and purpose, having taken some steps toward taking care of me without taking anything away from Rebecca. I see more yoga and meditation in my future, and this makes me very happy. I have also made preliminary plans for next Christmas (yes, already) so that I can be with family and it will be an enjoyable event for me and for Rebecca. Karl will have to figure something out. Whatever he does, it will not become my problem. And for the next three days my goal is to get back into a normal schedule, after staying up too late and sleeping in. This Monday will be hellish unless I can re-adjust my sleep cycle! Overall, it was a good holiday break, with a good balance of alone time, time with Rebecca, and time with friends. 2009 is the year I turn 50 -- a true milestone and one I am looking forward to as I focus more on my emotional and physical health. Onward!

The Funky Blues

2008-12-26T09:24:00.004-05:00

The day after. I'm already looking forward to spring. This was the hardest Christmas I've gotten through since 2003, which was my first Christmas after separating from Karl. What is frustrating about it is there is really no 'good' reason for the way I'm feeling, but there it is.

I do know this: every year since separating, Karl stays with us on Christmas Eve and spends most of Christmas Day with us. It's the right thing to do. But I don't enjoy it. Still, the arrangement makes things easier on Rebecca, as this way she is not pushed and pulled during that time.

I suppose the other part of this blah feeling is 'organic', but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with knowing that it's not my fault. I just hope that this particular Rx will start working soon. I am not by nature an unhappy person, and this feeling I've had lately, well, it's overwhelming.

But I'm pushing through it. I do not wallow in these feelings, I fight back. It takes a lot of energy, but I'm managing.

And I have this terrific daughter who helps keep me grounded. Thank goodness for her, and for all my friends who are supportive, even if they don't always get what I'm going through. I don't really get it either. Therein lies the frustration: I KNOW all that I am blessed with and at the same time feel weighed down with this sadness. Ugh.

It feels good to get it down on 'paper'. Thanks for 'listening' -- listening is an act of love.

Looking Forward

2008-12-16T16:09:00.003-05:00

Really, really looking forward to a nice long break for the holidays. University employees get an extended period off since there are several other holidays that state employees get during the year that we do not. So, except for a little half day on December 22, I will be off work until January 5. This combined with a recent change in my mental health care plan (read: new prescription) will go a long way towards a renewed state of mind come 2009. For this, I am very grateful. This break also allows time for just enjoying the season, and for Rebecca and I to spend some time together doing things we don't normally get a chance to do. For instance, she really enjoys the spy museum in DC, and we both want to explore Carytown in Richmond. We will also be breaking tradition on Christmas Day to take in a movie and eat Chinese food, something I think we are both really looking forward to.

So now, the house is decorated, and it looks and smells festive, we both have gatherings with friends we are looking forward to, and the holiday break will be a time of rest and rejuvination. Looking forward is a very healthy way to live.

"Dear Darkness"

2008-12-12T13:18:00.002-05:00

From NPR's web site, Dear Darkness, By Kevin Young, Hardcover, 216 pages, Knopf.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=96901327

This one in particular struck me:

I shall be released

What we love
will leave us

or is it
we leave

what we love,
I forget—

Today, belly
full enough

to walk the block
after all week

too cold
outside to smile—

I think of you, warm
in your underground room

reading the book
of bone. It's hard going—

your body a dead
language—

I've begun
to feel, if not

hope then what
comes just after—

or before—
Let's not call it

regret, but
this weight,

or weightlessness,
or just

plain waiting.
The ice wanting

again water.
The streams of two planes

a cross fading.

I was so busy
telling you this I forgot

to mention the sky—
how in the dusk

its steely edges
have just begun to rust.

Merry yet Melancholy

2008-12-11T14:19:00.003-05:00

Received an email the other day, from an old friend I love dearly, demanding that we put Christ back in Christmas. It was one of those forwards, with all kinds of colors and bold lettering and lots of pictures of CHRISTmas trees. It just makes me weary to contemplate this kind of email, so I just deleted it without responding.

But it does cause me pause to ponder: why is it so important that we continually try to push our truth onto someone else? Why is it so difficult for us to consider how absolutely real someone else's truth is to them? Why is it that if we cannot relate to someone else's circumstances, we dismiss them as trivial or unfounded or unimportant. I remember recently mentioning to a friend that I had some concerns about the security of my job, and she dismissively responded with a "Oh, you'll be fine." This kind of comment didn't give my concern any validation, and left me feeling empty and brushed aside.

I don't even want to get into the debate that the holidays always seems to bring about, that we've become too PC, too commercial, etc. As with every aspect of our lives, the holidays mean different things to different people, and undoubtedly bring with them a mixed bag of emotions. This is all very real. Yes, it can be a very joyous season. But it can also be a time of anxiety, stress, sadness, and loneliness.

It is certainly not the time to be pushing our agenda or our truth onto others. So yes, let's go out and be merry with each other. But let's also be gentle and aware of those around us who might be suffering. The suffering is a necessary part of life, but it can be hell to go through at the time. Reach out, squeeze a hand, pat a shoulder, offer an ear, or give a hug. Lower the expectations on yourself and those around you as you make your way through the next few weeks. Peace to you and yours as we move into the new year.

Mental Health Day

2008-12-09T08:38:00.003-05:00

So, I took off work yesterday. Spent the entire day doing little things to help subdue the terror. And it worked. I do feel a lot better today, and will be taking more steps in the coming weeks. Thanks for the comments/support/words of wisdom, it is greatly appreciated and gives me strength.

And we did decorate, at least we got our tree up. It was quite pleasant and the tree is beautiful. Rebecca loves finding all the ornaments she has grown up with, and comments about each one she has received from me over the years. The tree is getting very, very crowded!

We enjoyed a bit of mindless, humorous television, and then I got a solid, straight 6.5 hours of sleep (I did resort to taking a teaspoon of Benadryl, but how luxurious it was to sleep that long and wake up at 5 a.m. realizing I had slept the entire time, with no struggle to fall asleep!)

One foot in front of the other . . .

I'm terrified

2008-12-07T21:52:00.004-05:00

From an earlier post and a favorite essay of mine from This I Believe: 'Friends, I would like to be more cheerful, but right now I am too terrified to be cheerful. So I will let you know when I am not terrified anymore.'

Maybe I AM depressed, maybe it's anxiety, it's probably both plus stress. All I know is that my daughter had a talk with me tonight. She is upset because she feels I've been edgy lately, and unhappy, and too hard on her. I am so grateful that she trusts me enough to talk to me about this. And she's right. And I am taking immediate (but painfully slow!) steps to remedy this muddled mess I find myself in. And I am terrified. It feels good just admitting it.

Meanwhile, I feel like I've disappointed the most important person in my life, and all I want to do right now is have a good cry...but I'm afraid she'll hear me. So I'm writing, hoping to work through it this way.

Why do I feel like I have to keep it together all the time? I can't do it all, I'm not perfect, and some real changes need to take place so that I can take better care of my emotional health. And I have to try to overcome the tendency to feel guilty, as I make hard decisions about things like money and time. But there it is. It just has to happen.

This really, really sucks. I had heard it sucks, hitting menopause and dealing with the emotional roller coaster. I mean, the hormone stuff has always been rough, so I figured how much worse could it get?! Ha, careful what you get smug about. There are days I feel like I'm barely ahead of completely falling apart. But I can't. Or at least, I can't at home. So I am going to do the next best thing, and find somewhere safe to fall apart. Hopefully it will help me to pull things back together.

Now I'm afraid I won't be able to sleep. The chatter gets worse when I turn out the light and try to sleep. And then my neighbor's poor dog starts crying, pitifully, for lack of attention and from the cold, and of course I feel horrible for her, and I feel angry at him. And then I'll wake up tomorrow exhausted and so weighed down I just want to stay under my covers and hide. But I won't. And I'll try to get through the day without revealing just how terrified I am. It doesn't always work well, since being terrified is not something I'm used to feeling and it manifests itself in other ways, usually impatience with people and situations around me. And then I'm ashamed.

Tomorrow night we are supposed to decorate for Christmas, and I hope by then I am past this current state of emotions, because my heart is just not up for it. I've got some work to do, and I will need help with that work. I've just taken a big step tonight, admitting I'm terrified, and I have Rebecca to thank for it. Wish me luck.

I am not depressed...

2008-12-04T09:27:00.004-05:00

...really, I'm not. I still am truly moved by the things I love (nature, music, a good book, good friends, my home, my cats, my daughter, and so much more.) But more and more, I feel overwhelmed by life. I think a lot of this is financial, and I'm working that out (I'm not one to wallow) because I do have options that will make things easier. But it's more. I feel overwhelmed by the things that are bigger than me. I know it is not up to me to fix things (war, hunger, homelessness, homeless pets, poverty, my neighbor's neglected dog, on and on the list goes), but I am in touch with myself enough to know that these things bother me. I'm also overwhelmed with the task of single parenting, and worrying constantly that I am doing the right thing, keeping her on the right track, giving her enough of my time. It would be lovely to have help, and yet when I was married parenting was almost harder than it is now. And it's all the other stuff too: doing my best to take care of my health (cholesterol, weight, exercise), trying to manage my money in order to plan for retirement, wanting to take good care of my home and create a place that we find solitude in, but not getting too attached at the same time, caring about how I look and what I wear, but not getting too caught up in the ego, questioning whether or not I am 'good enough' to date someone who is 'out of my league'...this stuff seems to swirl around in my head daily.

I don't consider myself a negative person; but I am an impatient person, one who is annoyed easily by egotisical, or inconsiderate, or overbearing, or intrusive people. The truth of the matter is, I don't love everyone around me. I care about them and I care about what happens to them. But I think the emotion of love is tossed about too loosely. Love is a deep emotion, and it is developed over time and must be nurtured. I am a giving person, friendly, and make friends easily. But I am also a private person who is cautious about who she lets into the more intimate parts of her life. My love is kept on reserve, and I am okay with that. When I observe others opening themselves up completely and 'loving' everyone around them, I can't help but think that this is prompted by their need for love, approval, acceptance (any or all of these.) And I too have those needs; I just don't feel it is necessary to let everyone in just to feel better about myself.

There isn't a point to this post. Just another random putting-muddled-thoughts-onto-paper kind of post. This post is not directed at anyone in particular, it is about my thoughts about myself. Because I do care what others think of me and how I project myself, but at the same time I have to learn to be able to love myself, flaws and all. A work in progress, that confusing combination of accepting me and improving me. One foot in front of the other, deep breaths, and a smile. I can do this.

One Is Silver....

2008-11-25T14:09:00.003-05:00

I am grateful for old friends. Those are the ones that have known you the longest. Those friends know about your flaws and have loved you all these years anyhow. They realize that you have made mistakes; they realize you have a life that is busy and doesn't always involve them; they also realize that, when they really need you, you will be there for them. I am so grateful for these friends.

I've found newer friendships to be more tricky. There seems to be a lot of judgment and expectation attached to them. As adults, we've developed life experiences that affect how we interact. We are caught up in situations that affect who we let in, who we relate to or click with, and how we react to things.

What I've realized is this: we all (and I SO include myself in this) need to stop and give each other the benefit of the doubt. Instead of assuming that someone is not a good friend because they (fill in the blank: skipped your party/dinner/event, couldn't help you with (whatever), or didn't agree with what you said/did/wrote), assume that they are in a different place in life than you are, and are devoting their energies in that direction. Assume that their current situation in life is different than yours (of course it is!), and that their take on life is obviously colored by that situation. Assume that they care, and they need you to care. Give them the benefit of the doubt that they are putting one foot in front of the other on their journey, a journey that is often difficult, and that sometimes your paths will cross. When they do, smile, say hello, and ask, "How are you?" And when they answer, listen to them. Don't move on to talk about your life, your angst, your joys. Listen to theirs. They will truly be grateful.

So, this is my Thanksgiving promise to myself: I will give people around me the benefit of the doubt that they truly do have the best of intentions, and I will do more listening and less judging.

I'm off tomorrow to spend Thanksgiving with an old and dear friend. It will be so good to be myself around her, and to know that all the years will melt away as we reconnect, laugh, and nourish each other. For this I'm very thankful.

Peaceful Easy Feeling

2008-11-24T10:24:00.003-05:00

That's kind of my state of mind today...what a pleasant surprise! I'm cash poor right now, and yet I feel calm, rested and happy. We enjoyed a weekend close to home, doing mundane chores, getting homework done, but also hosting a friend of Rebecca's for about 24 hours, a trip to CiCi's for pizza, a quick trip through the Super WalMart (hey, we got out right at $40, I'd say that's an accomplishment!) then back home and played a game in front of a nice fire, followed by s'mores.

Then, yesterday morning, our annual Thanksgiving service and feast at UUFF (Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Fredericksburg) -- a morning filled with song, fellowship, and community as we welcomed old and new friends into our Fellowship Hall and later around the tables for a bounty of traditional and non-traditional dishes.

This topped off with a brisk four mile walk, yet another fire at home, and a snuggly warm good night's sleep with flannel sheets and cats for insulation all add up to a great weekend.

Now I am looking at a short work week, a trip 'home' to Norfolk for Thanksgiving with a dear friend (since fourth grade) and her family, and then back to the 'burg in time for the weekend.

Peaceful easy feeling. Not a feeling that comes over me often, and I embrace it now.

2008-11-22T12:21:00.003-05:00

Trying to think good thoughts for my sister and her husband. For the past almost ten years, he has owned a company that designs and installs luxury pools and landscapes, and guess what? People aren't putting in pools much these days. He had to declare personal bankruptcy (which protects my sister's credit) and is now tasked with finding work in an industry that has seen business drop by 75%. He is currently looking at something in San Antonio, and right now it looks promising, so I am doing my best to send positive energy their way.

It's tough to watch someone who earned their way to succeess without benefit of a college education suddenly lose everything and have to start all over again. It is a real test of their confidence and stamina, but Scott is by nature an optimistic guy. Whatever company does end up with him will be very fortunate to have him...he has excellent people skills and is extremely conscientious and reliable and talented.

They say every time a door closes, a window opens to new opportunity. I hope that is true for Karen and Scott. Change is not easy, but it can be very exciting and freeing, also. I hope this holds true for them and their family.

2008-11-21T10:27:00.000-05:00

And a poem for mom:

Sounds of September (2008)

The call of the blue jay does it for her,
My mother once told me.
That clear, insistent reminder,
Of the stillness that would soon be.

Clouds whispering to a blue sky,
Thirsty leaves rustling in the trees.
A tired butterfly drifting by,
Stealing some life from the breeze.

As the nagging geese set the mood,
The excitement of summer gives way,
To the quiet, the peace, the solitude,
Of a young mother on an August day.

She notices each sound, quiet and clear,
And allows them to briefly transport her,
To that promising, melancholy time of year,
And the sweet, sad sounds of September.

2008-11-21T09:11:00.001-05:00

Ah, I just figured it out. This is why I like writing/blogging: It is cathartic for me...

Catharsis: A technique used to relieve tension and anxiety by bringing repressed material to consciousness (The American Heritage Dictionary, Second College Edition)

There you go.

2008-11-21T09:03:00.000-05:00

And one more previous thought:

Thursday, July 31, 2008

good days and bad days

Not having a good week; post-vacation reality has set in: bank problems, terrible news, friends suffering losses, sick, unsettled situation at work, and PMS add up to a cranky girl. While I am be no means a giddy person (my nickname will never be 'bubbles'...) I do tend to remain very content with my life and see the positive side of things, and can usually roll with the inequities of life. This week is just a little more overwhelming than most. I do believe a large part of my inability to handle things more gracefully lies with the thyroid (hormones suck!) but it would be nice if I had a better ability to rise above it all. This to shall pass. This is when I like to reflect on the following essay:

A Positive Outlook Is Overrated, by Barbara Held

Barbara Held is a professor of psychology and social studies at Bowdoin College, and the author of Stop Smiling, Start Kvetching. Trained as a clinical psychologist, she practiced therapy for many years. Held lives with her husband on the coast of Maine. Photo Courtesy of Barbara Held
"I believe that there is no one right way to cope with all the pain of living. ... If we are prevented from coping in our own way, be it 'positive' or 'negative,' we function less well."

All Things Considered, October 22, 2007 · Many Americans insist that everyone have a positive attitude, even when the going gets rough. From the self-help bookshelves to the Complaint-Free World Movement, the power of positive thinking is touted now more than ever as the way to be happy, healthy, wealthy and wise.

The problem is that this demand for good cheer brings with it a one-two punch for those of us who cannot cope in that way: First you feel bad about whatever's getting you down, then you feel guilty or defective if you can't smile and look on the bright side. And I'm not even sure there always is a bright side to look on.

I believe that there is no one right way to cope with all of the pain of living. As an academic psychologist, I know that people have different temperaments, and if we are prevented from coping in our own way, be it "positive" or "negative," we function less well.

As a psychotherapist, I know that sometimes a lot of what people need when faced with adversity is permission to feel crummy for a while, to realize that feeling bad is not automatically the same as being mentally ill. Some of my one-session "cures" have come from reminding people that life can be difficult, and it's OK if we're not happy all of the time.

This last point first became apparent to me in 1986. I came down with the flu accompanied by searing headaches that lasted for weeks afterward. Eventually a neurologist told me that a strain of flu that winter had left many people with viral meningitis. He reassured me that I would make a full recovery, but I was left traumatized by the weeks of undiagnosed pain. I really thought I had a brain tumor or schizophrenia. Being a psychologist didn't help; I was an emotional wreck.
Fortunately it happened that my next-door neighbor was a brilliant psychiatrist, Aldo Llorente from Cuba. I asked him, "Aldo, am I a schizophrenic?" "Professor," he pronounced, "you are a mess, but you are not a mentally ill mess. You are just terrified."

I told Aldo that two of my friends insisted that I cheer up. I tried to be cheerful for a week, but that only increased my distress. Aldo told me, "You say to them: 'Friends, I would like to be more cheerful, but right now I am too terrified to be cheerful. So I will let you know when I am not terrified anymore.'"

The moment I delivered Aldo's message, I felt better. Aldo had made it OK for me to cope in my own way, to recover at my own pace, to be my own mess of a self. That is when I began to realize that I had been tyrannized by the idea that everyone must always have a positive attitude.
Having flourished in my own authentically kvetchy way, I believe that we would be better off if we let everyone be themselves — positive, negative or even somewhere in-between.

Independently produced for All Things Considered by Jay Allison and Dan Gediman with John Gregory and Viki Merrick.

2008-11-21T09:02:00.001-05:00

More previous thoughts:

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Did you know you’re the best, Mommy?

My daughter says this to me on a regular basis. And I don't just mean weekly, I mean several times a day. She is also regularly asking me, "What did you like best about ___________?" or "What was your favorite part of __________?" But I am always hard-pressed to pick a best or favorite anything. I guess that's why I have a difficult time when someone tells me about the best (you can fill in the blank here...) I mean really, unless you've experienced all of the (okay, I'll use...eggs benedict, since I love food) there is to try, how can you possibly know it's the best? Certainly, it's the best you've tried, in your opinion. But then, maybe it was the fact that you had this eggs benedict at a restaurant on the California coast, al fresco, with the humidity hovering at a high 20 percent. And maybe you were sharing the eggs benedict with your oldest and dearest (dare I say it, best?!) friend. Absolutely, it may qualify as the best, in your book. But I'm betting it isn't the BEST.

The same is true with parenting. Of course my daughter thinks I'm the best...I am her only mother, and her loyalty to me is by nature very strong. She may meet other moms who are more fun, more patient (easily!) or more 'cool', but I will always be the best. I am what she knows, what she is familiar with, and to whom all her memories of childhood are so connected. But I bet there are better moms out there.

So, I'm not comfortable with superlatives. I feel there is always room for good, better and even better, but best is elusive. I feel the same way about experts...those who feel their life experience with (once again, fill in the blank) gives them superiority in that given area. Not true. For every definitive fact they may give you about (gardening, cooking, raising cats, etc.), I am fairly certain someone can give them an exception. That is what makes our life experiences so special. If we listened to the experts, we might not do things our own way. Throughout time, improvements have come from deviating from the tried and true. By all means, gardening (for example) requires sun, earth and water. But have a little fun, experiment! Make it your own.

That is all.

2008-11-21T09:00:00.001-05:00

Some previous thoughts:

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

the nuances of human relationships

After a weekend that was all over the map, I'm feeling the need to put some words down.
Thought I'd share with my friends (you know, the touchy feely, word lover ones... )

I'm overwhelmed with the subtle and not so subtle emotions that come and go with the various friendships in my life. How some connections are so positively crackling, and others are so tenuous. There are times I feel like my nerves are sitting right on top of my skin, I feel so alive. This weekend was one of those times.

It is amazing to me how gratifying and deep some of my friendships are, much more intense than love relationships of the past. And yet that depth in those friendships is love. It's a love that accepts, indulges, and forgives. It is the kind of love I hope to have one day in a love relationship, and I do believe I won't settle for any less.

Yes, I will hold out for a love friendship that transitions naturally into a love relationship. For now, my love friendships more than sustain me.

My First Blog Post

2008-11-21T08:45:00.001-05:00

I wonder...is blogging just a virtual way of hearing ourselves talk? Is it a platform for espousing our viewpoints and soliciting validation for those viewpoints? Or do we really want to hear what other people think about what we think? I wonder.